Improving your communication

This week I will share with you a  little list of tips to help improve your communication:

• Use "I" Statements.
• Speak to one another, try not to yell and be aware of your tone.
• It is important to be respectful of one another and give each other the benefit of the doubt. 
• Start the conversation with a positive about your partner.
• State your appreciation about your partner.
• Validate your partner's feelings.
• Stay away from making hurtful comments to one another. 
• Make sure you are focused on one another, meaning stop doing what you are doing, look at one another and give each other your full attention.
• Be aware of your body movements and facial expressions.  You should not point when speaking, roll your eyes, nor interrupt one another. 
• If you are having a discussion or an argument and you seem to be at an impasse, take a break from it.  *A break allows you both to calm down, collect your thoughts and think more rationally.  Make sure you both come back together to continue the discussion and hopefully this time with some solutions that are fitting for both of you. 
• Don't discuss any "Hot Topics" right before bed.  This is a time to relax and have a restful sleep, try to save it for the next day when you are both feeling fresh.

My Favorite:

* Listen to one another with an open heart and an open mind *

A nice way to end a discussion is to seal it with a kiss and a long tight hug!!!

Therefore, I Say......

"Satisfaction can be gained just through knowing you were acknowledged, heard and understood, despite the outcome of things"

 

PART TWO: EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

Validation 

Once you have learned the correct way to use an “I” Statement, it means you are your partner are effectively expressing your feelings to one another.  The next important step is validating those feelings. 

Validation is as simple as letting the other person know you have heard them and you understand them.

Here is how to validate your partners feelings;
Firstly, when your partner comes to you and is expressing how they feel, your focus should be on them.  Stop doing what you are doing and look at your partner.  Listen to what they are saying and when they are done, you validate.

Example:
Sara: “I really felt hurt when I was trying to talk to you about my doctors appointment and you didn’t   look 

          up at me and kept texting on your phone, I felt like you didn’t even care to  hear about it.”

Jason: “So when I kept texting while you were telling me about your doctors appointment you felt hurt and

            that  I didn’t care.”

Sara: “Yes, that’s how I felt and still feel.”

Jason: “I’m sorry, I do care about you and I didn’t mean to make you feel hurt.  I was texting something 

            important about work and I should have let you know or let the text wait.” 

Sara: “Thank you, I would really appreciate that.”

In the above example, Jason listened to what Sara had to say, and then he repeated back what he heard including how she was left feeling.  He then explained that it was not his intention to make her feel that way and let her know why it happened.  Now that this is out in the open and they spoke about it, next time they know what they need to do to avoid hurt feelings or an argument.

 

Some of the POSITIVE outcomes of validating each other's feelings:

• We are more open to expressing our feelings to our partner.
• It brings down walls in our relationship, making one another feel safe and secure. 
• It helps to avoid a build up of resentment and bitterness.
• It makes us feel heard and understood.
• We learn how to empathize with one another.
• We feel loved and cared about. 

Validation is not just used if there is a negative issue between you and your partner. 

What if your partner came to you and said, “I had the worst day at work, my boss was all over me telling me to do ten different things at one time.” 

Keep in mind, being a supportive partner doesn’t mean that you have to “fix” the problem.  Just listening can be good enough.  In this case, you can simply say, “I’m sorry to hear that you had such a bad day at work and your boss was so demanding of you, it sounds like it was a very difficult day.”  Here there was no solution offered, just an ear to listen and Validation, letting your partner know s/he was heard and understood. 

Therefore, I hope that you continue to practice listening to each other and continue to build this new skill together!  And Remember, daily practice of these techniques will insure that you will learn and keep these new healthy habits.   

Join me next week as I continue with Helpful Tips to improve your communication!

PART 1 : EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

“I” Statements Vs. “You” Statements

How many times have you had an argument with your spouse and heard, “you always do that to me” or “you’re wrong” or “You are always shouting.”  If this is how you and your partner are communicating, you are both probably NOT hearing each other’s message.  When you speak in a “you” statement, your partner is not hearing you because they are most likely thinking about what they need to say next to defend themselves.  Therefore, what usually happens when a “you” statement is thrown at you, you tend to throw one right back to your partner.  Ultimately this does not move the two of you forward nor does it resolve the issue.  Also, notice that in the “You” statements used here, they are followed by the word always.  Stay away from using words like “always”, “never”, “all the time.”  These words are too broad, negative and provoke feelings of defensiveness as well. 

After an argument of using “You” statements, you are both left feeling angry, bitter, defensive, and definitely not feeling understood.  If you are feeling this way often and each time you argue it is the same style of argument, then obviously something needs to change….A more effective way of communicating is speaking on a level of feelings and leaving the focus on you.  This is done by using an “I” statement.  An “I” statement lets the other person know how YOU are feeling, without placing the blame on the other person.  Here are some examples of the correct way to use an “I” statement;

“I feel angry when you call me selfish”

“I feel insecure when you come home late without letting me know”

“I feel happy when we go out together”

“I feel upset when we argue over the same things”

“I feel _______________ when you____________”

“I feel_______________ often in our relationship because _______________”

If you have been practicing your “I” statements and are in the habit of using them correctly, you can give your partner even more information by telling them where that feeling is coming from. 

For Example:

“I feel hurt when you don’t speak to me, it reminds me of when I was a child and my mom would get angry at me and not talk to me for hours.”

“I feel __________________ when you _______________, it reminds me of ___________________.”

Incorrect use of an “I” Statement:

“I feel like you are nasty to me all the time”

“I feel like you are being very difficult to get along with”

These “I” statements are NOT letting the other person know your true emotion and it is not providing any kind of helpful information.  It comes across angry and again is making the other person feel defensive. 

My First Blog - Introduction -

RELATIONSHIPS....a BIG part of our lives.  We have a relationship with our spouse, family members, in-laws, friends, coworkers, colleagues, etc.  Relationships are all around us and can be challenging at times.

My name is Anita Amoroso and, as stated in my profile above,

I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. 

Primarily, I work with couples helping them deal with an wide variety of issues, I see families usually working on family conflict and more, and also work with individuals for issues such as anxiety and low self esteem. 

Being new to the "blog" scene, I am hoping to provide you with an array of information ranging from relationship tips, couples issues, relationships in general, parenting, meditation, anxiety, and much more!

Tune into next weeks blog,

as I will be discussing a very effective way of 

improving your communication

I hope that you find my blogs both helpful and interesting, and please share it with your family and friends. 

I am looking forward to a wonderful blogging journey with you!

Enjoy!

My Most Warmest Regards,

Anita Amoroso, LMFT