Once you have learned the correct way to use an “I” Statement, it means you are your partner are effectively expressing your feelings to one another. The next important step is validating those feelings.
Validation is as simple as letting the other person know you have heard them and you understand them.
Here is how to validate your partners feelings;
Firstly, when your partner comes to you and is expressing how they feel, your focus should be on them. Stop doing what you are doing and look at your partner. Listen to what they are saying and when they are done, you validate.
Here is how to validate your partners feelings;
Firstly, when your partner comes to you and is expressing how they feel, your focus should be on them. Stop doing what you are doing and look at your partner. Listen to what they are saying and when they are done, you validate.
Example:
Sara: “I really felt hurt when I was trying to talk to you about my doctors appointment and you didn’t look
Sara: “I really felt hurt when I was trying to talk to you about my doctors appointment and you didn’t look
up at me and kept texting on your phone, I felt like you didn’t even care to hear about it.”
Jason: “So when I kept texting while you were telling me about your doctors appointment you felt hurt and
that I didn’t care.”
Sara: “Yes, that’s how I felt and still feel.”
Jason: “I’m sorry, I do care about you and I didn’t mean to make you feel hurt. I was texting something
important about work and I should have let you know or let the text wait.”
Sara: “Thank you, I would really appreciate that.”
In the above example, Jason listened to what Sara had to say, and then he repeated back what he heard including how she was left feeling. He then explained that it was not his intention to make her feel that way and let her know why it happened. Now that this is out in the open and they spoke about it, next time they know what they need to do to avoid hurt feelings or an argument.
Some of the POSITIVE outcomes of validating each other's feelings:
- We are more open to expressing our feelings to our partner.
- It brings down walls in our relationship, making one another feel safe and secure.
- It helps to avoid a build up of resentment and bitterness.
- It makes us feel heard and understood.
- We learn how to empathize with one another.
- We feel loved and cared about.
Validation is not just used if there is a negative issue between you and your partner.
What if your partner came to you and said, “I had the worst day at work, my boss was all over me telling me to do ten different things at one time.”
Keep in mind, being a supportive partner doesn’t mean that you have to “fix” the problem. Just listening can be good enough. In this case, you can simply say, “I’m sorry to hear that you had such a bad day at work and your boss was so demanding of you, it sounds like it was a very difficult day.” Here there was no solution offered, just an ear to listen and Validation, letting your partner know s/he was heard and understood.
Therefore, I hope that you continue to practice listening to each other and continue to build this new skill together! And Remember, daily practice of these techniques will insure that you will learn and keep these new healthy habits.
Join me next week as I continue with Helpful Tips to improve your communication!
