Part 3 Drifting apart....Finding more time together

In my practice I have noticed how challenging it is for couples to find time together.  I can understand that it is difficult to make time, but I also feel that you have to make the time for your relationship and there are ways you can.  Think of it this way, you make time for your work, to go on Facebook, to get nails done, or to play golf, etc.  Are these things more important than your relationship?  I’m guessing no.  If you can find the time to spend hours on the internet, to meet with friends for lunch, go to the gym, then you probably can make time for your partner, you just need to manage your time differently. Making time and spending time together are part of keeping the two of you connected and your relationship strong and lasting.   

Dr. John Gottman is one of the world’s most well-known couple’s therapists.  He has written many books and has what he calls a “love lab” in Seattle, where he studies couples.  Dr. John Gottman studied a group of couples whose marriages stayed successful over time and found they did so well due to the simple 5 extra hours a week they were spending together.  He then decided to call these extra hours “The Magic 5 Hours,” from his book, “The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work.”  I have attached this for you to see and use;

THE MAGIC 5 HOURS A WEEK

Partings. Make sure that before you say good-bye in the morning you’ve learned about one thing that is happening in your partner’s life that day—from lunch with the boss to a doctor’s appointment to a scheduled phone call with an old friend.
Time: 2 minutes a day x 5 working days
Total: 10 minutes

Reunions. Be sure to engage in a stress-reducing conversation at the end of each workday.
Time: 20 minutes a day x 5 working days
Total: 1 hour 40 minutes

Admiration and appreciation. Find some way every day to communicate genuine affection and appreciation toward your partner.

Time: 5 minutes a day x 7 days

Total: 35 minutes

Affection. Kiss, hold, grab, and touch each other during the time you are together. Make sure to kiss before going to sleep. Think of that kiss as a way to let go of any minor irritations that have built up over the day.  In other words, lace your kiss with forgiveness and tenderness for your partner.
Time: 5 minutes a day x 7 days
Total: 35 minutes

Weekly date. This can be a relaxing, low-pressure way to stay connected. Ask each other questions that let you update your love maps (love map are questions Dr. John Gottman has in his book for couples to ask each other…see the book) and turn toward each other. Think of questions to ask your partner like “Are you still thinking about redecorating the bedroom?” “Where should we take our next vacation” or “How are you feeling about your boss these days?”
Time: 2 hours once a week
Total: 2 hours

Grand Total: Five hours!

My Thought:

Take a step back and think about what you can do to alter your schedule a little if you are feeling overwhelmed.  Ask yourself what you can cut back on and what you can take out of your schedule.  SHUT OFF phone and electronics at a certain time each night……Make a definite date night, use “The Magic 5 Hours” and follow through weekly!