“I”
Statements Vs. “You” Statements
How many times have you had an argument with your spouse and
heard, “you always do that to me” or “you’re wrong” or “You
are always shouting.” If this is
how you and your partner are communicating, you are both probably NOT hearing
each other’s message. When you speak in
a “you” statement, your partner is not hearing you because they are most likely
thinking about what they need to say next to defend themselves. Therefore, what usually happens when a “you”
statement is thrown at you, you tend to throw one right back to your partner. Ultimately this does not move the two of you
forward nor does it resolve the issue. Also, notice that in the “You” statements used
here, they are followed by the word always.
Stay away from using words like “always”, “never”, “all the time.” These words are too broad, negative and
provoke feelings of defensiveness as well.
After an argument of using “You” statements, you are both
left feeling angry, bitter, defensive, and definitely not feeling
understood. If you are feeling this way
often and each time you argue it is the same style of argument, then obviously
something needs to change….A more effective way of communicating
is speaking on a level of feelings and leaving the focus on
you. This is done by using an “I” statement. An “I” statement lets the other person know
how YOU are feeling, without
placing the blame on the other person.
Here are some examples of the correct way to use an “I” statement;
“I feel angry when
you call me selfish”
“I feel insecure
when you come home late without letting me know”
“I feel happy when
we go out together”
“I feel upset when
we argue over the same things”
“I feel
_______________ when you____________”
“I
feel_______________ often in our relationship because _______________”
If you have been practicing your “I” statements and are in
the habit of using them correctly, you can give your partner even more
information by telling them where that feeling is coming from.
For Example:
“I feel hurt when
you don’t speak to me, it reminds me of when I was a child and my mom would get
angry at me and not talk to me for hours.”
“I feel
__________________ when you _______________, it reminds me of
___________________.”
Incorrect use of an “I”
Statement:
“I feel like you are nasty to me all the time”
“I feel like you are being very difficult to get along with”
These “I” statements are NOT letting the other person know
your true emotion and it is not providing any kind of helpful information. It comes across angry and again is making the
other person feel defensive.
