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I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and have been practicing for over 16 years. I am specialized in couples therapy and work with individuals as well. When I work with clients I teach them necessary skills to improve not only their relationships but themselves as well. My hope is for my clients to make changes that will make them healthier individuals which will then make their relationships healthier and happier. If you're interested in obtaining information, setting up an appointment, or learning more about my practice please visit my website at www.therapywithanita.com you can also go to my page on psychology today at http://Therapists.PsychologyToday.com/rms/79368

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

A HOLIDAY MESSAGE

December 20, 2011
A Holiday Message
This holiday season venture out and try something different. Maybe create a new tradition with your spouse and/or family, remember a loved one in a new special way, try to keep an open mind and open heart, show interest in others by asking how things are in their world, spend some time with a family member you normally don’t, try to define what the holiday truly means to you, go around the room and ask others what the holiday means to them, have your children participate in some type of holiday charity work - this is a great way to teach them how to give and that the holiday is not all about getting! Do something out of the ordinary for your spouse that doesn’t cost money like a holiday poem, make a photo collage, photo book, or a massage……it’s those gifts from the heart that are truly priceless and warming. Most of all, try to stay focused on all the wonderful people and things that you have in your life. Sometimes we can get caught up in material things, especially around this time of year, but this is not what is important and ultimately doesn’t build happiness. I think sometimes we forget what we have or may even just take it for granted. A great habit to pick up on is to try and stop focusing on what you don’t have and start to look at what you actually do have and learn to be thankful and appreciate it. This is a great way to keep yourself focused on the positives, will keep you in a positive frame of mind, which in turn will increase your happiness. This is also a wonderful lesson to teach your children as well.
After all…Life alone is a beautiful gift!
Have a Peaceful Holiday Season and a Healthy, Happy New Year!

Monday, December 12, 2011

Part 2: Overcoming Holiday Stress – Coping with Holiday Blues

The season is filled with cheer, but unfortunately for many it's also filled with sadness.  The holidays can bring on various emotions (depression being the most common) and not for one specific cause.  There are numerous reasons people suffer from the holiday blues, such as fatigue from all the extra running and financial stress.  Perhaps one of the most difficult causes for sadness during the holiday season is the loss of a loved one.  
 
It’s never easy losing someone from your life and the holidays do not make it any easier.  Learning how to deal with your sadness in a more effective way, and learning how to celebrate your loved one will be extremely helpful.  So how do you do that?  Doing things such as creating a special tradition can help you cope with your loss.  Here are some suggestions to honor your loved one which may offer you support and comfort during these times.
·        A special ornament in their honor
·        Lighting a candle in their memory
·        Donate in the name of your loved one
·        Volunteering your time during the holiday (i.e., shelter or food pantry)
·        A special prayer before dinner
·        Taking some time to look at pictures and reflect back on your time together
·        Plant a tree or garden
·        Write a letter
·        Take some time to go around the room, giving everyone a chance to share a special memory

These types of special traditions can help you not only keep the person alive in your heart, but helps you cope with your loss in a way that is not avoiding, but instead allows you to express your feelings and feel good about your loved ones memory. 

My Thought
While the holiday alone can be exhausting, experiencing grief is emotionally draining.  Therefore, it is important that you take good care of yourself, and if you need to, reach out to a family member or friend for some support.

Join me next week for a Holiday message

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Part 1: “OVERCOMING HOLIDAY STRESS”



T

hough it is a wonderful time of the year, it can also become very stressful. In addition to our usual everyday activities, we now have to prepare for the holidays which include extra running here and there, and more things to do. This of course brings on stress making us feel tired, unhappy and difficult to enjoy the season. So what can you do to make holiday preparation easier and more enjoyable? Here are three important ways to keep your stress at a minimum.

Firstly, a good way to get started is to organize yourself. Studies have shown that organization reduces levels of stress. Therefore, try making a list of things such as what you plan on cooking, presents or gift ideas, who you’re inviting, and/or who you want to send cards to. This makes it easier to remember what you need to do and have done already. Keep your list handy so if something else comes to mind you can write it down and get it out of your head.


Secondly, think about how often you aim for perfection during the holidays. How many of you search to find the “perfect” gift or are thinking of the “perfect” dinner to make. You may not think of perfection as stressful, but it is, in fact it creates stress. Nothing is perfect so we do we chase after it?  In a future post I will get into perfection a bit more, but for now just remember that looking for perfection is tiring because you will constantly be searching for it, and ultimately will never find it....because it doesn't exist.  And if this is your focus then you are also probably forgetting what the holidays are really about and probably not enjoying them to the fullest. So remind yourself and instead of getting caught up in things being perfect, strive for happiness and inner peace, it’s much easier to obtain and it’s more realistic.


Lastly, be conscious of your pace. Many times we are doing one thing and thinking of a million other things to do and can become overwhelmed. It’s important to focus on one thing at a time and keep yourself in the moment. Consider this, the more time and energy you spend on stressing and worrying about what still needs to be done, the less you will actually get done. Therefore, when you stay calm and focused, you get much more accomplished.


My Thought:
Make sure you are taking care of yourself. Constantly being on the run is neither helpful nor healthy. Take a break, take time to breath, and make time to sit and eat a healthy fulfilling meal!







Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Part 5: "Positively Happy"


For this last stop, we will be discussing my favorite topic, which just so happens to be fitting for the Thanksgiving holiday….Gratitude and Appreciation
Definition
Appreciation: Thankful recognition
Gratitude: The quality or feeling of being grateful or thankful

Something to think about:
Do you appreciate yourself and the things that you have? How often do you thank or express your appreciation to your partner, not only when something nice is done, just in general? How often do you show others, family and friends, that you appreciate them and/or the things that they do? 


How does this fit into positivity and happiness?
It is so important for us to show our appreciation to others, especially the loved ones in our lives. But, before you can express your appreciation to others you need to be feeling good about yourself and your own life. It’s difficult to be happy for others if you are not happy with yourself. An effective way to help you move from a negative place to a more happy and positive frame of mind is to note to yourself the things you are grateful for. A wonderful way to help you do this is…………
The Gratitude Exercise:
Get yourself a journal, which will be your “gratitude journal”. At the end of your day, write down three things that went well during the day, ask yourself “why did this good thing happen.” Do this on a daily basis. Studies show that after a week of doing this exercise, participants had an increase in happiness and a decrease in depression.  


For Couples:
Here’s a great way to end the day; every night each of you state one thing you appreciate about the other!  

Now, go back to the top of this post, read those questions again. What do you think?

This will end our series of Positivity and Happiness….but this does not mean it is the last time I will be discussing it!!

My Thought:
This Thanksgiving, go around the dinner table and each of you
share what you are thankful for!
In the meantime, Keep Smiling and Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

PART 4: “Positively Happy”

Our next stop on the road to ‘Positivity and Happiness’ is ACCEPTANCE

Something to Think About:
How much of an accepting person are you? Do you get angry if someone is not doing or handling something the way you would? Do you try to change the differences in your partner or others so they match yours?

In your relationship…
It is important to learn to let go of the idea of being right and wrong, it doesn't solve the problem.   Instead it leaves you both feeling defensive, while trying to convince your partner why you are RIGHT and they are wrong.  Therefore, learning to ACCEPT the other for who they are and not who we EXPECT them to be, and ACCEPTING that you may both have a difference in opinions and/or how you do things…..and that’s okay. Then learning to work together to solve the issue, so you BOTH walk away feeling good and satisfied.

Learning to accept others for who they are does not mean that you have to agree or are agreeing with them. Instead acceptance allows us to live peacefully with one another and our differences, without getting mad about it. Acceptance also does NOT mean that you should stop encouraging your partner to change habits that can help them as an individual (i.e., quit smoking) or that would help the relationship (i.e., speaking in a nicer tone), Nor does it mean accepting dangerous situations such as abuse.

If you can do this, not only will you have a healthier relationship, but you will feel happier as an individual and as a couple.

Okay, now go back to the top of this post and think of those questions….so how accepting do you think you are? And remember as the serenity prayer says…..

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; and the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.......”

My Thought:
Stop expecting others to act in the same ways that you do, otherwise you are setting yourself up for anger and disappointment…(negative emotions). Instead, let those negative emotions go and in a positive light.... try to be more accepting. It is another way of staying open minded, open hearted, happy, and understanding.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

ADDENDUM TO PART 3 "POSITIVELY HAPPY"

 
I just wanted to ADD something that I found I didn't make clear in my last post about forgiveness.

As I said, when you forgive it does not mean that you will forget what happened......... NOR does it mean you have to continue to have a relationship with that person.

The important thing is that you have forgiven, you have learned to let it go, you're moving forward and that is what you will benefit from emotionally, mentally and physically.


Wednesday, November 9, 2011

PART 3: "Positively Happy"

Hoping you all had a GREAT week and hopefully you had a chance to perform some selfless acts.  If you have, how did it feel?  I hope that you continue to practice this in your everyday life. 

Something to think about:
Have you ever hurt someone? Did you want that person to forgive you?  If that person could not forgive you, how were you left feeling? How important was it for you to be forgiven? 

As we continue with our journey to positivity and happiness, there are many stops along the way to get to that goal.  The first stop I will be discussing is FORGIVENESS.........not so easy to do, and I feel that we probably have all hurt and have been hurt at some point in our lives.  SO why is it so difficult for us to let go and forgive??


What happens when someone hurts us?  We may feel angry, revengeful, resentful, bitter, disappointed, and a loss of trust.

What do we do when we feel this way?  (When we don't forgive) we may hold onto it, let it fester inside of us, affect us emotionally and physically, try to find revenge and hurt the other person worse.  

Why is it that some people can forgive and some can't?  Some people may have grown up in families that taught how to forgive and some may never have learned how to.  Some people may have too much pride and feel like they are giving in if they forgive, or feel like they are letting the other person get away with something, and some people may be afraid to forgive because they are scared to trust again and get hurt....again. 

So when we don't forgive, we hold onto those negative emotions, especially....anger.  Anger is what I like to call the shield.  We use it to hide behind, to protect us.  But underneath that anger is PAIN and HURT. I think it is important to learn how to let that hurt go so you can heal yourself and bring yourself into a better place. 

Forgiving someone does not necessarily mean that you forget the action.  But forgiving is a way to learn how to let go of those negative emotions, and move on, because holding onto those negative emotions will truly bring you down.  It will not only effect your mood and your life, but your relationships and will make you sick.....not only mentally, but physically sick!  There are so many benefits to forgiveness, some are;

- Improved physical health and improved mental health
- Lower risk of depression and anxiety
- Improved relationships
- Increases our levels of happiness and positivity
- Increased ability to cope
- Lower probability of Alcohol and Drug use

How do we let go?
Remember the questions in the beginning of this post......well, how can we ask to be forgiven, if we don't forgive??  If we want to be forgiven for things, we should then learn how to also forgive.  

Ok so how do we do that?  Not an easy task and again takes time and practice.  One thing you can try on your own is writing a letter to that person, the more detail you put into that letter the better.  Don't mail the letter and don't give it to that person.  Write it, let all your emotions out, read it to yourself, see how you feel and what you may have learned about yourself, and let it go, burn it or shred it.  Studies have shown that when you write about a hurtful or traumatic event, the better the recovery from it. 

Remember the benefits of letting go and forgiving, remember that you want to be forgiven too, ASK YOURSELFIs it helpful to hold onto this pain?  Is it making my life easier?  How is it affecting my mood?  How is it affecting future relationships?  Is it helping me, or hindering me?  If it is difficult for you to do this on your own, therapy is a good way to explore and understand why you are feeling this way and how to let it go. 

My Thought:

It may be easier to be angry than to forgive.......
but the benefits of forgiveness are much Greater! 

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

PART 2: "Positively Happy"

I'm hoping throughout the week you were thinking of my last blog post, taking notice of your level of positivity.  I hope you had some insight into just how positive you may or may not be. 

Here are some benefits of being in a more positive frame of mind.

Studies have shown that increasing optimism and happiness;
- Reduces risk of cancer
- Reduces stress and other physical ailments
- Increases our ability to cope with stressful issues 
- Increases our life span
- Reduces high blood pressure
- Decrease symptoms of depression
- Improves our performance at our jobs and in our careers
- Improves our relationships
- Improves our confidence
......and much more!

This week: Think of something selfless that you can do, whether it is donating clothing, giving a little extra in a tip, starting the car for your spouse on a cold morning, volunteering, or just being courteous by smiling or holding a door for a stranger.  See how you feel afterwards.   Try to make this part of your weekly routine, do it as often as you can.

***Please note that change does not happen overnight, it's a process that takes time, patience and practice.  You will find greater results if you are committed to practicing and being aware of the changes you want on a DAILY BASIS.  


Over the next few weeks
I will be discussing topics such as forgiveness, acceptance, appreciation and gratitude, which I feel are some of the stepping stones to building a more positive frame of mind. 
I will also continue to share techniques to increase positive thinking.


My Thought:
The more optimistic you are the more options you have, doors open and hope stays in place.  Pessimistic thoughts close doors, giving less or no option(s) and hopefulness is nonexistent



Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Part 1: "Positively Happy"

As I have been discussing effective ways for you and your partner to improve your communication, I would like to switch gears a bit.  I am going to start to discuss how to become a more positive and happy person (this will help your relationship as well).  After all, the more positive we are, the happier we are, and the happier we are... the easier it is to deal with life's up and downs.  Besides being able to cope better, there are other benefits I will describe later on.    
 
Part of having healthy relationships also depends on the work you do as an individual.  I feel that it is very important for us to be aware of our own "stuff".  The things that may bring us down, upset us and cause us pain, anger, and hurt. 
 
I incorporate some concepts of Positive Psychology into my practice with the belief that it will help improve our lives and our relationships
 
What is Positive Psychology you may ask??
"Researchers in this rapidly growing field investigate what makes human beings happy and how an individual can lead a fulfilling and satisfying life. As a field of inquiry, its purpose is to understand and foster the factors that allow individuals, communities, and societies to flourish (Seligman & Csikszentmihalyi, 2000)."
 
Therefore, focusing on ways to improve the quality of life, studying ways to increase our happiness, which again, leads to a healthier life, as the many studies have shown.   
 
Try asking yourself these questions and be honest about your answers. 
* Do you think you are more of a positive or negative person?
* Can you find the good in the bad?
* How easy is it for you to let some things go?
* Are you quick to judge?
* Do you smile often?
* How often do you perform selfless acts?
* Are you happy when good things happen to others?
* Do you complain often?
 
So..... what do you think?  Try asking yourself the first question again, after going through the rest.  Do you still have the same answer?  Do you feel like you can work on becoming a more positive person?  I say YES, there is always room for change, growth and improvement in our lives.  Becoming more positive is not easy, but it is NOT impossible, and it can be learned. 
 
Think about the above questions throughout the week and take notice of how you are.  See what you come up with, it may be interesting.
 
Over the next few weeks I will be discussing techniques to help you become a more positive person. 
 
In the meantime.....keep smiling and remember; if you only look at the negative that is all you are ever going to get, if you seek out the good and the positive, that is what will surround you!!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Improving your communication

This week I will share with you a  little list of tips to help improve your communication:

  • Use "I" Statements.
  • Speak to one another, try not to yell and be aware of your tone.
  • It is important to be respectful of one another and give each other the benefit of the doubt. 
  • Start the conversation with a positive about your partner.
  • State your appreciation about your partner.
  • Validate your partner's feelings.
  • Stay away from making hurtful comments to one another. 
  • Make sure you are focused on one another, meaning stop doing what you are doing, look at one another and give each other your full attention.
  • Be aware of your body movements and facial expressions.  You should not point when speaking, roll your eyes, nor interrupt one another. 
  • If you are having a discussion or an argument and you seem to be at an impasse, take a break from it.  *A break allows you both to calm down, collect your thoughts and think more rationally.  Make sure you both come back together to continue the discussion and hopefully this time with some solutions that are fitting for both of you. 
  • Don't discuss any "Hot Topics" right before bed.  This is a time to relax and have a restful sleep, try to save it for the next day when you are both feeling fresh.

My Favorite:
* Listen to one another with an open heart and an open mind *
A nice way to end a discussion is to seal it with a kiss and a long tight hug!!!


Therefore, I Say......

"Satisfaction can be gained just through knowing you were acknowledged, heard and understood, despite the outcome of things"



 

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

PART TWO: EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

Validation 
Once you have learned the correct way to use an “I” Statement, it means you are your partner are effectively expressing your feelings to one another.  The next important step is validating those feelings. 

Validation is as simple as letting the other person know you have heard them and you understand them.

Here is how to validate your partners feelings;
Firstly, when your partner comes to you and is expressing how they feel, your focus should be on them.  Stop doing what you are doing and look at your partner.  Listen to what they are saying and when they are done, you validate.

Example:
Sara: “I really felt hurt when I was trying to talk to you about my doctors appointment and you didn’t   look 
          up at me and kept texting on your phone, I felt like you didn’t even care to  hear about it.”

Jason: “So when I kept texting while you were telling me about your doctors appointment you felt hurt and
            that  I didn’t care.”

Sara: “Yes, that’s how I felt and still feel.”

Jason: “I’m sorry, I do care about you and I didn’t mean to make you feel hurt.  I was texting something 
            important about work and I should have let you know or let the text wait.” 

Sara: “Thank you, I would really appreciate that.”

In the above example, Jason listened to what Sara had to say, and then he repeated back what he heard including how she was left feeling.  He then explained that it was not his intention to make her feel that way and let her know why it happened.  Now that this is out in the open and they spoke about it, next time they know what they need to do to avoid hurt feelings or an argument.
 
Some of the POSITIVE outcomes of validating each other's feelings:
  • We are more open to expressing our feelings to our partner.
  • It brings down walls in our relationship, making one another feel safe and secure. 
  • It helps to avoid a build up of resentment and bitterness.
  • It makes us feel heard and understood.
  • We learn how to empathize with one another.
  • We feel loved and cared about. 

Validation is not just used if there is a negative issue between you and your partner. 
What if your partner came to you and said, “I had the worst day at work, my boss was all over me telling me to do ten different things at one time.” 

Keep in mind, being a supportive partner doesn’t mean that you have to “fix” the problem.  Just listening can be good enough.  In this case, you can simply say, “I’m sorry to hear that you had such a bad day at work and your boss was so demanding of you, it sounds like it was a very difficult day.”  Here there was no solution offered, just an ear to listen and Validation, letting your partner know s/he was heard and understood. 

Therefore, I hope that you continue to practice listening to each other and continue to build this new skill together!  And Remember, daily practice of these techniques will insure that you will learn and keep these new healthy habits.   

Join me next week as I continue with Helpful Tips to improve your communication!


Wednesday, October 5, 2011

PART 1 : EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

“I” Statements Vs. “You” Statements
How many times have you had an argument with your spouse and heard, “you always do that to me” or “you’re wrong” or “You are always shouting.”  If this is how you and your partner are communicating, you are both probably NOT hearing each other’s message.  When you speak in a “you” statement, your partner is not hearing you because they are most likely thinking about what they need to say next to defend themselves.  Therefore, what usually happens when a “you” statement is thrown at you, you tend to throw one right back to your partner.  Ultimately this does not move the two of you forward nor does it resolve the issue.  Also, notice that in the “You” statements used here, they are followed by the word always.  Stay away from using words like “always”, “never”, “all the time.”  These words are too broad, negative and provoke feelings of defensiveness as well. 

After an argument of using “You” statements, you are both left feeling angry, bitter, defensive, and definitely not feeling understood.  If you are feeling this way often and each time you argue it is the same style of argument, then obviously something needs to change….A more effective way of communicating is speaking on a level of feelings and leaving the focus on you.  This is done by using an “I” statement.  An “I” statement lets the other person know how YOU are feeling, without placing the blame on the other person.  Here are some examples of the correct way to use an “I” statement;

“I feel angry when you call me selfish”
“I feel insecure when you come home late without letting me know”
“I feel happy when we go out together”
“I feel upset when we argue over the same things”
“I feel _______________ when you____________”
“I feel_______________ often in our relationship because _______________”

If you have been practicing your “I” statements and are in the habit of using them correctly, you can give your partner even more information by telling them where that feeling is coming from. 

For Example:
“I feel hurt when you don’t speak to me, it reminds me of when I was a child and my mom would get angry at me and not talk to me for hours.”

“I feel __________________ when you _______________, it reminds me of ___________________.”

Incorrect use of an “I” Statement:
“I feel like you are nasty to me all the time”
“I feel like you are being very difficult to get along with”

These “I” statements are NOT letting the other person know your true emotion and it is not providing any kind of helpful information.  It comes across angry and again is making the other person feel defensive. 


Wednesday, September 28, 2011

My First Blog - Introduction -

RELATIONSHIPS....a BIG part of our lives.  We have a relationship with our spouse, family members, in-laws, friends, coworkers, colleagues, etc.  Relationships are all around us and can be challenging at times.

My name is Anita Amoroso and, as stated in my profile above,
I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. 

Primarily, I work with couples helping them deal with an wide variety of issues, I see families usually working on family conflict and more, and also work with individuals for issues such as anxiety and low self esteem. 

Being new to the "blog" scene, I am hoping to provide you with an array of information ranging from relationship tips, couples issues, relationships in general, parenting, meditation, anxiety, and much more!

Tune into next weeks blog,
as I will be discussing a very effective way of 
improving your communication

I hope that you find my blogs both helpful and interesting, and please share it with your family and friends. 
I am looking forward to a wonderful blogging journey with you!

Enjoy!

My Most Warmest Regards,
Anita Amoroso, LMFT