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I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and have been practicing for over 16 years. I am specialized in couples therapy and work with individuals as well. When I work with clients I teach them necessary skills to improve not only their relationships but themselves as well. My hope is for my clients to make changes that will make them healthier individuals which will then make their relationships healthier and happier. If you're interested in obtaining information, setting up an appointment, or learning more about my practice please visit my website at www.therapywithanita.com you can also go to my page on psychology today at http://Therapists.PsychologyToday.com/rms/79368

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Part 4 Drifting Apart.......... COMPROMISE

Compromise is an important element in a relationship.  It’s not easy for many to come to a compromise, but without it you will not get very far.  Therefore, I would like you to consider the following. 

A compromise is basically the two of you discussing a problem, each of your ideas about the problem, and then coming to a solution that is going to work for the both of you.  This means you may not walk away with 100% of what you want or it being completely your way….and that’s okay.  Compromise does not mean that you have surrendered or that you have to agree with your partner. Whether you agree with your partner or not, you should consider their point of view and at least try to understand where they are coming from and why they are feeling the way they are. 

An effective way to compromise is to speak to each other in a calm manner, soften your tone as discussed in part 2B.  Listen to what your partner has to say with an open heart and keep an open mind.  Look to see if you have anything in common in your views….and remember without compromise you will not be able to solve your marital problems, so this is important to know. 

Here is an exercise from Dr. John Gottman’s book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” that he uses to help couples come to a compromise.  Decide on what problem the two of you want to solve, sit separately and do the following:

“On a piece of paper, draw two circles - a smaller one inside a larger one.  In the inner circle make a list of the aspects of the problem you can’t give in on.  In the outer circle list all of the aspects of the problem you can compromise on.”

The purpose of Dr. Gottman’s circle exercise is to teach couples how to solve issues in a more systematic way.  He suggests you think of the following questions when you share your circles with one another.

·       What do we agree about?
·       What are our common feelings or the most important feelings here?
·       What common goals can we have here?
·       How can we understand this situation, this issue?
·       How do we think these goals should be accomplished?

My Thought
If you can understand and respect each other, then you will be able to compromise and you will have a healthy - successful marriage!