PART 4: “Positively Happy”

Our next stop on the road to ‘Positivity and Happiness’ is ACCEPTANCE

Something to Think About:

How much of an accepting person are you? Do you get angry if someone is not doing or handling something the way you would? Do you try to change the differences in your partner or others so they match yours?

In your relationship…

It is important to learn to let go of the idea of being right and wrong, it doesn't solve the problem.   Instead it leaves you both feeling defensive, while trying to convince your partner why you are RIGHT and they are wrong.  Therefore, learning to ACCEPT the other for who they are and not who we EXPECT them to be, and ACCEPTING that you may both have a difference in opinions and/or how you do things…..and that’s okay. Then learning to work together to solve the issue, so you BOTH walk away feeling good and satisfied.

Learning to accept others for who they are does not mean that you have to agree or are agreeing with them. Instead acceptance allows us to live peacefully with one another and our differences, without getting mad about it. Acceptance also does NOT mean that you should stop encouraging your partner to change habits that can help them as an individual (i.e., quit smoking) or that would help the relationship (i.e., speaking in a nicer tone), Nor does it mean accepting dangerous situations such as abuse.

If you can do this, not only will you have a healthier relationship, but you will feel happier as an individual and as a couple.

Okay, now go back to the top of this post and think of those questions….so how accepting do you think you are? And remember as the serenity prayer says…..

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; and the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.......”

My Thought:

Stop expecting others to act in the same ways that you do, otherwise you are setting yourself up for anger and disappointment…(negative emotions). Instead, let those negative emotions go and in a positive light.... try to be more accepting. It is another way of staying open minded, open hearted, happy, and understanding.

ADDENDUM TO PART 3 "POSITIVELY HAPPY"

 

I just wanted to ADD something that I found I didn't make clear in my last post about forgiveness.

As I said, when you forgive it does not mean that you will forget what happened......... NOR does it mean you have to continue to have a relationship with that person.

The important thing is that you have forgiven, you have learned to let it go, you're moving forward and that is what you will benefit from emotionally, mentally and physically.

PART 3: "Positively Happy"

Hoping you all had a GREAT week and hopefully you had a chance to perform some selfless acts.  If you have, how did it feel?  I hope that you continue to practice this in your everyday life. 

Something to think about:

Have you ever hurt someone? Did you want that person to forgive you?  If that person could not forgive you, how were you left feeling? How important was it for you to be forgiven? 

As we continue with our journey to positivity and happiness, there are many stops along the way to get to that goal.  The first stop I will be discussing is FORGIVENESS.........not so easy to do, and I feel that we probably have all hurt and have been hurt at some point in our lives.  SO why is it so difficult for us to let go and forgive??

What happens when someone hurts us?  We may feel angry, revengeful, resentful, bitter, disappointed, and a loss of trust.

What do we do when we feel this way?  (When we don't forgive) we may hold onto it, let it fester inside of us, affect us emotionally and physically, try to find revenge and hurt the other person worse.  

Why is it that some people can forgive and some can't?  Some people may have grown up in families that taught how to forgive and some may never have learned how to.  Some people may have too much pride and feel like they are giving in if they forgive, or feel like they are letting the other person get away with something, and some people may be afraid to forgive because they are scared to trust again and get hurt....again. 

So when we don't forgive, we hold onto those negative emotions, especially....anger.  Anger is what I like to call the shield.  We use it to hide behind, to protect us.  But underneath that anger is PAIN and HURT. I think it is important to learn how to let that hurt go so you can heal yourself and bring yourself into a better place. 

Forgiving someone does not necessarily mean that you forget the action.  But forgiving is a way to learn how to let go of those negative emotions, and move on, because holding onto those negative emotions will truly bring you down.  It will not only effect your mood and your life, but your relationships and will make you sick.....not only mentally, but physically sick!  There are so many benefits to forgiveness, some are;

- Improved physical health and improved mental health

- Lower risk of depression and anxiety

- Improved relationships

- Increases our levels of happiness and positivity

- Increased ability to cope

- Lower probability of Alcohol and Drug use

How do we let go?

Remember the questions in the beginning of this post......well, how can we ask to be forgiven, if we don't forgive??  If we want to be forgiven for things, we should then learn how to also forgive.  

Ok so how do we do that?  Not an easy task and again takes time and practice.  One thing you can try on your own is writing a letter to that person, the more detail you put into that letter the better.  Don't mail the letter and don't give it to that person.  Write it, let all your emotions out, read it to yourself, see how you feel and what you may have learned about yourself, and let it go, burn it or shred it.  Studies have shown that when you write about a hurtful or traumatic event, the better the recovery from it. 

Remember the benefits of letting go and forgiving, remember that you want to be forgiven too, ASK YOURSELF:  Is it helpful to hold onto this pain?  Is it making my life easier?  How is it affecting my mood?  How is it affecting future relationships?  Is it helping me, or hindering me?  If it is difficult for you to do this on your own, therapy is a good way to explore and understand why you are feeling this way and how to let it go. 

My Thought:

It may be easier to be angry than to forgive.......

but the benefits of forgiveness are much Greater! 

PART 2: "Positively Happy"

I'm hoping throughout the week you were thinking of my last blog post, taking notice of your level of positivity.  I hope you had some insight into just how positive you may or may not be. 

Here are some benefits of being in a more positive frame of mind.

Studies have shown that increasing optimism and happiness;
- Reduces risk of cancer
- Reduces stress and other physical ailments
- Increases our ability to cope with stressful issues 
- Increases our life span
- Reduces high blood pressure
- Decrease symptoms of depression
- Improves our performance at our jobs and in our careers
- Improves our relationships
- Improves our confidence
......and much more!

This week: Think of something selfless that you can do, whether it is donating clothing, giving a little extra in a tip, starting the car for your spouse on a cold morning, volunteering, or just being courteous by smiling or holding a door for a stranger.  See how you feel afterwards.   Try to make this part of your weekly routine, do it as often as you can.

***Please note that change does not happen overnight, it's a process that takes time, patience and practice.  You will find greater results if you are committed to practicing and being aware of the changes you want on a DAILY BASIS.  

Over the next few weeks

I will be discussing topics such as forgiveness, acceptance, appreciation and gratitude, which I feel are some of the stepping stones to building a more positive frame of mind. 

I will also continue to share techniques to increase positive thinking.

My Thought:

The more optimistic you are the more options you have, doors open and hope stays in place.  Pessimistic thoughts close doors, giving less or no option(s) and hopefulness is nonexistent



Part 1: "Positively Happy"

As I have been discussing effective ways for you and your partner to improve your communication, I would like to switch gears a bit.  I am going to start to discuss how to become a more positive and happy person (this will help your relationship as well).  After all, the more positive we are, the happier we are, and the happier we are... the easier it is to deal with life's up and downs.  Besides being able to cope better, there are other benefits I will describe later on.    

 

Part of having healthy relationships also depends on the work you do as an individual.  I feel that it is very important for us to be aware of our own "stuff".  The things that may bring us down, upset us and cause us pain, anger, and hurt. 

 

I incorporate some concepts of Positive Psychology into my practice with the belief that it will help improve our lives and our relationships. 

 

What is Positive Psychology you may ask??

"Researchers in this rapidly growing field investigate what makes human beings happy and how an individual can lead a fulfilling and satisfying life. As a field of inquiry, its purpose is to understand and foster the factors that allow individuals, communities, and societies to flourish (Seligman & Csikszentmihalyi, 2000)."

 

Therefore, focusing on ways to improve the quality of life, studying ways to increase our happiness, which again, leads to a healthier life, as the many studies have shown.   

 

Try asking yourself these questions and be honest about your answers. 

* Do you think you are more of a positive or negative person?

* Can you find the good in the bad?

* How easy is it for you to let some things go?

* Are you quick to judge?

* Do you smile often?

* How often do you perform selfless acts?

* Are you happy when good things happen to others?

* Do you complain often?

 

So..... what do you think?  Try asking yourself the first question again, after going through the rest.  Do you still have the same answer?  Do you feel like you can work on becoming a more positive person?  I say YES, there is always room for change, growth and improvement in our lives.  Becoming more positive is not easy, but it is NOT impossible, and it can be learned. 

 

Think about the above questions throughout the week and take notice of how you are.  See what you come up with, it may be interesting.

 

Over the next few weeks I will be discussing techniques to help you become a more positive person. 

 

In the meantime.....keep smiling and remember; if you only look at the negative that is all you are ever going to get, if you seek out the good and the positive, that is what will surround you!!

Improving your communication

This week I will share with you a  little list of tips to help improve your communication:

• Use "I" Statements.
• Speak to one another, try not to yell and be aware of your tone.
• It is important to be respectful of one another and give each other the benefit of the doubt. 
• Start the conversation with a positive about your partner.
• State your appreciation about your partner.
• Validate your partner's feelings.
• Stay away from making hurtful comments to one another. 
• Make sure you are focused on one another, meaning stop doing what you are doing, look at one another and give each other your full attention.
• Be aware of your body movements and facial expressions.  You should not point when speaking, roll your eyes, nor interrupt one another. 
• If you are having a discussion or an argument and you seem to be at an impasse, take a break from it.  *A break allows you both to calm down, collect your thoughts and think more rationally.  Make sure you both come back together to continue the discussion and hopefully this time with some solutions that are fitting for both of you. 
• Don't discuss any "Hot Topics" right before bed.  This is a time to relax and have a restful sleep, try to save it for the next day when you are both feeling fresh.

My Favorite:

* Listen to one another with an open heart and an open mind *

A nice way to end a discussion is to seal it with a kiss and a long tight hug!!!

Therefore, I Say......

"Satisfaction can be gained just through knowing you were acknowledged, heard and understood, despite the outcome of things"

 

PART TWO: EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

Validation 

Once you have learned the correct way to use an “I” Statement, it means you are your partner are effectively expressing your feelings to one another.  The next important step is validating those feelings. 

Validation is as simple as letting the other person know you have heard them and you understand them.

Here is how to validate your partners feelings;
Firstly, when your partner comes to you and is expressing how they feel, your focus should be on them.  Stop doing what you are doing and look at your partner.  Listen to what they are saying and when they are done, you validate.

Example:
Sara: “I really felt hurt when I was trying to talk to you about my doctors appointment and you didn’t   look 

          up at me and kept texting on your phone, I felt like you didn’t even care to  hear about it.”

Jason: “So when I kept texting while you were telling me about your doctors appointment you felt hurt and

            that  I didn’t care.”

Sara: “Yes, that’s how I felt and still feel.”

Jason: “I’m sorry, I do care about you and I didn’t mean to make you feel hurt.  I was texting something 

            important about work and I should have let you know or let the text wait.” 

Sara: “Thank you, I would really appreciate that.”

In the above example, Jason listened to what Sara had to say, and then he repeated back what he heard including how she was left feeling.  He then explained that it was not his intention to make her feel that way and let her know why it happened.  Now that this is out in the open and they spoke about it, next time they know what they need to do to avoid hurt feelings or an argument.

 

Some of the POSITIVE outcomes of validating each other's feelings:

• We are more open to expressing our feelings to our partner.
• It brings down walls in our relationship, making one another feel safe and secure. 
• It helps to avoid a build up of resentment and bitterness.
• It makes us feel heard and understood.
• We learn how to empathize with one another.
• We feel loved and cared about. 

Validation is not just used if there is a negative issue between you and your partner. 

What if your partner came to you and said, “I had the worst day at work, my boss was all over me telling me to do ten different things at one time.” 

Keep in mind, being a supportive partner doesn’t mean that you have to “fix” the problem.  Just listening can be good enough.  In this case, you can simply say, “I’m sorry to hear that you had such a bad day at work and your boss was so demanding of you, it sounds like it was a very difficult day.”  Here there was no solution offered, just an ear to listen and Validation, letting your partner know s/he was heard and understood. 

Therefore, I hope that you continue to practice listening to each other and continue to build this new skill together!  And Remember, daily practice of these techniques will insure that you will learn and keep these new healthy habits.   

Join me next week as I continue with Helpful Tips to improve your communication!