Tips to Improve Your Communication

As a couple’s therapist, I find that communication is one of the biggest issues between partners.  I notice that partners interrupt one another, THINK they know what their partner is talking about…but they really don’t, become defensive and unfortunately at times are speaking nasty to one another. 

Here are some helpful tips to improve your communication:

-Don’t interrupt.  I feel that when someone interrupts, they are definitely NOT hearing what the other person has to say.  When a person interrupts another, it leaves the interrupted person feeling like what they have to say is unimportant.  And ultimately, the interrupted person shuts down, gives up and says “what’s the point.”  Each partner should have a chance to express how they are feeling without being interrupted. 

-Make sure you understand what your partner is saying. I see this so often in sessions, where one partner tells the other how they are feeling and the other person just continues on about their own “stuff” and doesn’t even take a second to say, “What do you mean by that” or “Why do you feel that way.”  Make sure you understand what your partner means.  I always say if you don’t understand something, how do you fix it??

-Don’t yell. AHHHH screaming at one another….that just does NOT work.  When one person gets loud so does the other and before you know it you’re both in a screaming match….No one is listening and hearts are racing.  How in the world is this helpful….it’s not.  Talk to one another.  If you feel like voices are starting to get louder, or heart rates are increasing, take a break for at least 20 minutes.  This gives you time to calm down and collect your thoughts. Once calm and your heart rate is back to normal, you may continue your talk. 

-Don’t curse or say mean things to one another.  I feel that you can say what you need to say without cursing or insulting the other person.  What good does it do if you are calling your partner a nasty word? Does it fix the issue…NO.  All it does is exasperate the situation.  This is something as an individual you must work on, controlling your anger and what comes out of your mouth.  

MY THOUGHT:

Does this sound familiar to you? If so, think of what YOU can do on your own to improve your communication.

 

Love All Year Long

Let me start by saying I hope you all had a wonderful and loving Valentine’s Day!  After all, it’s that one time of year that you’re supposed to tell your partner just how much you love them.  But why wait for Valentine’s Day to show your partner just how much you care?  Why wait for this day to take the time to find a special gift or write out your feelings in a card… to go out of your way to show your partner just how much you love them?

 

Love is something that should be celebrated

every day and any time of the year!

You should always take the time for one another!  Take any ordinary day during any month, like a Wednesday night in March to play some music after dinner and share a dance or a Monday in April to plan a surprise candlelight dinner.  In May on a Thursday morning leave a love note for your partner before you leave for work.  Pick a random Friday in June and leave a CD on your partner’s seat in their car filled with their favorite music or download a song on their iPod without them knowing….that will be a wonderful surprise for them to discover.

My Thought

These little caring actions any time of the year, will lead to tremendous growth and happiness in your relationship!! 

 

 

Taking a Trip Down Memory Lane

Today I wanted to share a little tip to help strengthen your marriage.  It is shown that successful couples tend to “take trips down memory lane.”  These couples spend more time focusing on the good times then the bad.  Darren Wilk, a trained John Gottman Therapist, states “By reliving memories out loud to your partner, it actually changes your mindset, and how you view him/her and think about your relationship.”   

When you think of past happy and fun times doesn’t it put a smile on your face?  Doesn’t it remind you of why you’re with each other, how you can have a great time together and why you love one another?  I also think talking about these past memories builds conversation, laughter, and may remind you of something you’ve done that you haven’t in a while and maybe you’ll try it again.    

Here are two great ideas to try:

v  Make a commitment to have a monthly scrapbooking date...let's call it the "memory date."  This date will specifically focus on sitting together and going through pictures, talk about past times (dates, trips, weekends together, adventures) and work on your scrapbook.  This is great to always have to look back on and share with family, friends and children.  The best part of the memory date are all the benefits aside from making a great scrapbook; it is guaranteed time together, fun time together, a great activity, something to look forward to each month, keeps you in check of your relationship, and is just another way to make time for each other and give your relationship attention.
 

v  When and if you feel that your relationship needs a boost, this is a good time to talk about first dates, past fun times, adventures or trips.  And if you already have scrapbooks or photo albums complete, bring them out and look through them together.  

My Thought
Your relationship always needs attention so make sure you are giving it the attention it needs!  And remember when times feel tough, take that trip down memory lane……laugh and love each other and always strive to spend time together in different ways, making fun and happy memories that you will always have to look back on. 

Changing you for the better of your relationship

I find that when a couple is arguing, or having a disagreement, most of the time it ends up about who is right and what one thinks the other should change.  The problem with focusing on being right, is it doesn’t always allow you to see what your fault is in the issue.  And the problem with wanting to change your partner is that you do not have the power or control to do that….and who’s to say that it’s your partner that only needs to change and not you? 

Therefore, it is very important for you and your relationship to own up to your own faults and flaws.  And so, a way of changing your relationship is also changing you! 

 

TRY THIS

Next time you are having an argument or feeling like your relationship is not where you want it to be, try to ask yourself some of these questions;

 

·       What was my role in that argument? 

·       What could I have done differently? 

·       What do I need to be more conscious of?

·       What are the things I need to be working on about myself?

·       Where do I want my relationship to be and how can I make some change to get it to that place?

Talk to your partner about what you both need to work on, not only as a couple, but as individuals.  It’s about listening to one another and being more conscious of your own actions.  Once you start to be more conscious of these things and work on your own “stuff,” when your partner notices these changes not only will they feel heard, but their attitude will be different now too.  Hence a change in the relationship!  So make sure you are putting your time and energy into changing something about you and not your partner. 

My Thought

Remember: You cannot change anyone but yourself and when you change you, the things around you will change too!

Just Checking In

For my post today, I’m checking in with you!!  I want to make sure you are working on keeping your connection with your partner strong.  It is common for couples to make some change and then revert back to old habits, thus the importance of maintaining your relationship!  I always say it’s like your car, you maintain your car by cleaning it, changing the oil, putting in gas…..you care for it.  If you don’t do these things for your car it won’t run right and/or may even stop running.    It’s the same for your relationship!  You both need to maintain it to keep it running right! 

Things you can do to maintain your relationship;
Try what I am doing now (checking in) with your partner, in a slightly different way.  Checking in is as simple as saying to each other, “do you feel cared about by me” or “do you feel loved by me” or “how do you feel about things lately.”  Checking in is a good way to bring up issues, bring up good things happening, keeps communication open, keeps you both on the same page, and keeps you connected.    

Another good way of keeping your connection strong is by engaging in activities together.  Here are some suggested activities that you can pick from.  Try to do one of these activities a week!

-        Go for an evening walk

-        Lay out a blanket in the yard and look at the stars together

-        Play some music and share a dance

-        Go to the beach and swim in the ocean

-        Plan a picnic or go to a concert

-        Play a game of cards or a board game

-        Go for a hike or bike ride

-        Take a trip to the zoo or your local farm

-        Play a game of mini golf.

Remember you do not need to go out and spend money to connect with one another.  Engaging in simple activities around the house, like cooking dinner together, will keep you connected.  Be creative and have fun!  After a week, check in with one another and see how you feel.

Part 5 Drifting Apart......... Intimacy

Through my work in my private practice I see how men and women differ in many ways. You may have read about the differences or noticed them on your own. The most common ones that seem to be spoken about the most are; differences in communication and intimacy. Women tend to be more expressive and detailed and men seem to be more focused on fixing (skip all the details, tell me the problem and I’ll fix it). Women like romance and men tend to be focused on the physical intimacy itself.

Something I’ve learned is that……….

Women need to feel close and loved in order to be physically intimate and men feel close and loved when they are physically intimate.

My Thought

I would say for men, try to be more romantic, leave a love note or poem some place, give compliments, tell her what you appreciate about her, plan a date, or do something around the house that your partner usually does like clean the bathroom, cook dinner, or get the kids ready for bed. You want to do some thoughtful/caring things that you may not normally do.  It’s more desirable for a woman to be physically intimate if she feels appreciated, loved and close to you.

So women it’s the same for you because let’s face it, men want to feel appreciated, loved and close to you too…… but in a different way. You wouldn’t get him flowers would you?  Instead, plan an evening for your partner where you get dressed up in a sexy outfit, make your partners favorite meal, give a sensual massage, or go out dancing so you can be close…....shoot for anything sexy! You can also try to make an effort to engage in an activity that he likes such as watching a sporting event, or go to a car show.

This concludes my series of Drifting Apart!!

Part 4 Drifting Apart.......... COMPROMISE

Compromise is an important element in a relationship.  It’s not easy for many to come to a compromise, but without it you will not get very far.  Therefore, I would like you to consider the following. 

A compromise is basically the two of you discussing a problem, each of your ideas about the problem, and then coming to a solution that is going to work for the both of you.  This means you may not walk away with 100% of what you want or it being completely your way….and that’s okay.  Compromise does not mean that you have surrendered or that you have to agree with your partner. Whether you agree with your partner or not, you should consider their point of view and at least try to understand where they are coming from and why they are feeling the way they are. 

An effective way to compromise is to speak to each other in a calm manner, soften your tone as discussed in part 2B.  Listen to what your partner has to say with an open heart and keep an open mind.  Look to see if you have anything in common in your views….and remember without compromise you will not be able to solve your marital problems, so this is important to know. 

Here is an exercise from Dr. John Gottman’s book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” that he uses to help couples come to a compromise.  Decide on what problem the two of you want to solve, sit separately and do the following:

“On a piece of paper, draw two circles - a smaller one inside a larger one.  In the inner circle make a list of the aspects of the problem you can’t give in on.  In the outer circle list all of the aspects of the problem you can compromise on.”

The purpose of Dr. Gottman’s circle exercise is to teach couples how to solve issues in a more systematic way.  He suggests you think of the following questions when you share your circles with one another.

·       What do we agree about?

·       What are our common feelings or the most important feelings here?

·       What common goals can we have here?

·       How can we understand this situation, this issue?

·       How do we think these goals should be accomplished?

My Thought
If you can understand and respect each other, then you will be able to compromise and you will have a healthy - successful marriage!