Changing you for the better of your relationship

I find that when a couple is arguing, or having a disagreement, most of the time it ends up about who is right and what one thinks the other should change.  The problem with focusing on being right, is it doesn’t always allow you to see what your fault is in the issue.  And the problem with wanting to change your partner is that you do not have the power or control to do that….and who’s to say that it’s your partner that only needs to change and not you? 

Therefore, it is very important for you and your relationship to own up to your own faults and flaws.  And so, a way of changing your relationship is also changing you! 

 

TRY THIS

Next time you are having an argument or feeling like your relationship is not where you want it to be, try to ask yourself some of these questions;

 

·       What was my role in that argument? 

·       What could I have done differently? 

·       What do I need to be more conscious of?

·       What are the things I need to be working on about myself?

·       Where do I want my relationship to be and how can I make some change to get it to that place?

Talk to your partner about what you both need to work on, not only as a couple, but as individuals.  It’s about listening to one another and being more conscious of your own actions.  Once you start to be more conscious of these things and work on your own “stuff,” when your partner notices these changes not only will they feel heard, but their attitude will be different now too.  Hence a change in the relationship!  So make sure you are putting your time and energy into changing something about you and not your partner. 

My Thought

Remember: You cannot change anyone but yourself and when you change you, the things around you will change too!

Just Checking In

For my post today, I’m checking in with you!!  I want to make sure you are working on keeping your connection with your partner strong.  It is common for couples to make some change and then revert back to old habits, thus the importance of maintaining your relationship!  I always say it’s like your car, you maintain your car by cleaning it, changing the oil, putting in gas…..you care for it.  If you don’t do these things for your car it won’t run right and/or may even stop running.    It’s the same for your relationship!  You both need to maintain it to keep it running right! 

Things you can do to maintain your relationship;
Try what I am doing now (checking in) with your partner, in a slightly different way.  Checking in is as simple as saying to each other, “do you feel cared about by me” or “do you feel loved by me” or “how do you feel about things lately.”  Checking in is a good way to bring up issues, bring up good things happening, keeps communication open, keeps you both on the same page, and keeps you connected.    

Another good way of keeping your connection strong is by engaging in activities together.  Here are some suggested activities that you can pick from.  Try to do one of these activities a week!

-        Go for an evening walk

-        Lay out a blanket in the yard and look at the stars together

-        Play some music and share a dance

-        Go to the beach and swim in the ocean

-        Plan a picnic or go to a concert

-        Play a game of cards or a board game

-        Go for a hike or bike ride

-        Take a trip to the zoo or your local farm

-        Play a game of mini golf.

Remember you do not need to go out and spend money to connect with one another.  Engaging in simple activities around the house, like cooking dinner together, will keep you connected.  Be creative and have fun!  After a week, check in with one another and see how you feel.

Part 5 Drifting Apart......... Intimacy

Through my work in my private practice I see how men and women differ in many ways. You may have read about the differences or noticed them on your own. The most common ones that seem to be spoken about the most are; differences in communication and intimacy. Women tend to be more expressive and detailed and men seem to be more focused on fixing (skip all the details, tell me the problem and I’ll fix it). Women like romance and men tend to be focused on the physical intimacy itself.

Something I’ve learned is that……….

Women need to feel close and loved in order to be physically intimate and men feel close and loved when they are physically intimate.

My Thought

I would say for men, try to be more romantic, leave a love note or poem some place, give compliments, tell her what you appreciate about her, plan a date, or do something around the house that your partner usually does like clean the bathroom, cook dinner, or get the kids ready for bed. You want to do some thoughtful/caring things that you may not normally do.  It’s more desirable for a woman to be physically intimate if she feels appreciated, loved and close to you.

So women it’s the same for you because let’s face it, men want to feel appreciated, loved and close to you too…… but in a different way. You wouldn’t get him flowers would you?  Instead, plan an evening for your partner where you get dressed up in a sexy outfit, make your partners favorite meal, give a sensual massage, or go out dancing so you can be close…....shoot for anything sexy! You can also try to make an effort to engage in an activity that he likes such as watching a sporting event, or go to a car show.

This concludes my series of Drifting Apart!!

Part 4 Drifting Apart.......... COMPROMISE

Compromise is an important element in a relationship.  It’s not easy for many to come to a compromise, but without it you will not get very far.  Therefore, I would like you to consider the following. 

A compromise is basically the two of you discussing a problem, each of your ideas about the problem, and then coming to a solution that is going to work for the both of you.  This means you may not walk away with 100% of what you want or it being completely your way….and that’s okay.  Compromise does not mean that you have surrendered or that you have to agree with your partner. Whether you agree with your partner or not, you should consider their point of view and at least try to understand where they are coming from and why they are feeling the way they are. 

An effective way to compromise is to speak to each other in a calm manner, soften your tone as discussed in part 2B.  Listen to what your partner has to say with an open heart and keep an open mind.  Look to see if you have anything in common in your views….and remember without compromise you will not be able to solve your marital problems, so this is important to know. 

Here is an exercise from Dr. John Gottman’s book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” that he uses to help couples come to a compromise.  Decide on what problem the two of you want to solve, sit separately and do the following:

“On a piece of paper, draw two circles - a smaller one inside a larger one.  In the inner circle make a list of the aspects of the problem you can’t give in on.  In the outer circle list all of the aspects of the problem you can compromise on.”

The purpose of Dr. Gottman’s circle exercise is to teach couples how to solve issues in a more systematic way.  He suggests you think of the following questions when you share your circles with one another.

·       What do we agree about?

·       What are our common feelings or the most important feelings here?

·       What common goals can we have here?

·       How can we understand this situation, this issue?

·       How do we think these goals should be accomplished?

My Thought
If you can understand and respect each other, then you will be able to compromise and you will have a healthy - successful marriage!

Part 3 Drifting apart....Finding more time together

In my practice I have noticed how challenging it is for couples to find time together.  I can understand that it is difficult to make time, but I also feel that you have to make the time for your relationship and there are ways you can.  Think of it this way, you make time for your work, to go on Facebook, to get nails done, or to play golf, etc.  Are these things more important than your relationship?  I’m guessing no.  If you can find the time to spend hours on the internet, to meet with friends for lunch, go to the gym, then you probably can make time for your partner, you just need to manage your time differently. Making time and spending time together are part of keeping the two of you connected and your relationship strong and lasting.   

Dr. John Gottman is one of the world’s most well-known couple’s therapists.  He has written many books and has what he calls a “love lab” in Seattle, where he studies couples.  Dr. John Gottman studied a group of couples whose marriages stayed successful over time and found they did so well due to the simple 5 extra hours a week they were spending together.  He then decided to call these extra hours “The Magic 5 Hours,” from his book, “The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work.”  I have attached this for you to see and use;

THE MAGIC 5 HOURS A WEEK

Partings. Make sure that before you say good-bye in the morning you’ve learned about one thing that is happening in your partner’s life that day—from lunch with the boss to a doctor’s appointment to a scheduled phone call with an old friend.
Time: 2 minutes a day x 5 working days
Total: 10 minutes

Reunions. Be sure to engage in a stress-reducing conversation at the end of each workday.
Time: 20 minutes a day x 5 working days
Total: 1 hour 40 minutes

Admiration and appreciation. Find some way every day to communicate genuine affection and appreciation toward your partner.

Time: 5 minutes a day x 7 days

Total: 35 minutes

Affection. Kiss, hold, grab, and touch each other during the time you are together. Make sure to kiss before going to sleep. Think of that kiss as a way to let go of any minor irritations that have built up over the day.  In other words, lace your kiss with forgiveness and tenderness for your partner.
Time: 5 minutes a day x 7 days
Total: 35 minutes

Weekly date. This can be a relaxing, low-pressure way to stay connected. Ask each other questions that let you update your love maps (love map are questions Dr. John Gottman has in his book for couples to ask each other…see the book) and turn toward each other. Think of questions to ask your partner like “Are you still thinking about redecorating the bedroom?” “Where should we take our next vacation” or “How are you feeling about your boss these days?”
Time: 2 hours once a week
Total: 2 hours

Grand Total: Five hours!

My Thought:

Take a step back and think about what you can do to alter your schedule a little if you are feeling overwhelmed.  Ask yourself what you can cut back on and what you can take out of your schedule.  SHUT OFF phone and electronics at a certain time each night……Make a definite date night, use “The Magic 5 Hours” and follow through weekly! 

Part 2B: Drifting Apart……..How to communicate your message without conflict

As discussed in my last post, it's common for couples to hold in what they really want to say in hopes to avoid conflict.  What I, both personally and professionally, stand by is that you can say whatever you want to say….it’s HOW you say it.

In previous posts I discussed how to speak to your partner by using an “I” statement.  In addition to using this method of communication, it is firstly important how you deliver your message. 

Start by setting the stage

·       First make sure it is a good time for both of you to talk.

·       Make it clear that you want to ‘just talk’ about something, and that your partner will have an opportunity to talk as well. 

How to soften your message

·       Keep a gentle tone and moderate volume.

·       Keep the focus on your feelings, this is when an “I” statement comes in handy.

·       Start off with a positive, i.e., “I appreciate that you…..” or “you’re wonderful at….”

Couples who can admit to their own faults and role in the issue tend to have stronger relationships and can solve problems quicker and easier, i.e., “I know that sometimes I can be difficult in this situation, and I appreciate that you.…”

Two very important things you definitely DO NOT want to do

·       Do not use words like, “you always” or “you never”

·       Do not use insulting words toward one another.

My Thought:

Remember that when you start off with a positive, the other person most likely is NOT going to be defensive. You are complimenting them, therefore you have their attention! Now your partner is not only likely to listen to what you have to say, but will really hear your message.

Part 2A: Drifting Apart……Importance of open communication

Communication is an extremely important part of your relationship for many reasons, one main reason is to keep you connected.  Let’s look at the domino effect of NOT communicating.  If there is no communication then you are not sharing your thoughts or feelings with one another.  If this is the case, you are probably not on the same page, do not have a good understanding of one another and are not up to date with each other.  In turn, it makes it difficult to meet each other’s needs and wants, to be supportive and solve issues.  At this point you’re probably not spending much time together because of feelings of bitterness and/or resentfulness……..Ultimately the connection is lost.   

Why It’s Important to Communicate and Keep Communication Open
Some people tend to make assumptions about what the other person is thinking or how they are feeling.  This tends to make the situation worse because not only may you be wrong in your assumption, but you are probably stirring up emotions in yourself, making yourself feel anxious or stressed out over an assumption you are making.  If this is happening to you, then you are probably giving off a certain attitude to your partner based on your assumption.  This is one reason it is important to communicate with one another, it lays things out on the table so there are no assumptions.

Now think about this; if you are upset with your partner about something, but you are not communicating it to them, how will they know?  You cannot expect your partner to be a mind reader, nor can you blame your partner for something you are unhappy with if you have not communicated it to them.  If you are doing this, you will leave yourself feeling resentful towards your partner.  Therefore, by communicating with your partner you can avoid feelings of anger and resentment.

Sometimes couples are not communicating because they are afraid to cause a conflict.  Next week in part 2B, I will give you some helpful hints on how to get your message across to your partner without causing a conflict. 

My Thought:

Get to know each other again.  Try making it a point to spend at least 20 minutes a day to talk about what’s been going on in your life and find out what’s been going on in your partners life.  

Part 1: Drifting apart....Reasons couples grow apart

April 11, 2012

Do you feel like you and your partner are losing or have lost your connection?  If so, you are not alone.  I find this to be a common issue among many couples. 

Here are some top reasons couples seem to grow apart:

§  Lack of Communication

§  Not spending enough time together

§  Lack of support from one another

§  No compromise

§  Little to no love and affection

§  Little or NO intimacy

In the next few weeks I will continue with multi-part posts, in which I will elaborate further on the above listed reasons couples seem to grow apart. 

Acknowledge your partner

Here’s My Thought….

If you notice your partner doing something nice, LET THEM KNOW. 

Just this simple little action can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Firstly, it’s nice to give your partner a compliment and credit for the good thing they are doing. This also makes your partner feel noticed and appreciated, and after all, we all like to be appreciated. In turn, when we acknowledge and appreciate things others do, it usually motivates us and them to do more nice/good things and they will hopefully look to compliment you as well! It keeps communication open and brings an element of positivity into the relationship. It will also build on happiness and when we are happy, things are a lot easier to deal with.

It’s the little things that amount out to bigger things!

Part Three: Letting go of being right

For The Benefit of Your Relationship:
Remember back to one of my first posts, using an “I” statement.  This is communication based on your feelings.  You are simply expressing to one another how you are feeling in a non-blaming kind of way.  It does not have to do with being right or wrong.  You and your partner are not the same person so you will have different views, and you may not always agree with one another but you should hear each other out and work from there.  When you get caught up in who is right and who is wrong, it assures you are NOT hearing what the other person is saying.  If you are not listening then how are you going to know how to resolve the issue?  How is your partner left feeling?  Don’t you want to be heard? And, if the issue does not get resolved it will come up again and again.  

This type of communication avoids one of you or both of you becoming defensive.  Try to make sure you are communicating on a different level with one another by becoming more aware of your tone, express how you are FEELING, and listen to the other persons feelings - not why you think you are right and they are wrong.  Really try to be conscious to let that go and just give each other the chance to express how you are feeling, hear one another’s view and/or needs.  You will benefit tremendously in your relationship if you can practice this.

My Thought:

Would you rather be right or HAPPY?

Part Two: Letting go of being right

For the Benefit of YOU

If you are going to be concerned about being right all the time you will miss out on opportunities to learn from others and you are keeping your mind closed to a world of information. 

Wouldn’t it be nice to walk away from a conversation feeling like, “wow that was interesting, I never knew that, and I feel okay that I didn’t know that.”  Feeling like you gained new knowledge of something, instead of your usual walking away angry or upset or arguing your point of why you are right……that sounds like a lot of work and aggravation to me. 

If you can work on letting this go, you will benefit in ways such as;

Ø  You are allowing yourself to be more open minded, gaining new ideas and information. 

Ø  You will become a better listener.

Ø  Your self-confidence and self-esteem will improve.

Ø  You won’t worry about what others think so much.

Ø  Your relationship with your partner and relationships with others will improve.

Ø  You will be HAPPIER!!!

My Thought

We do some of our best learning from our mistakes!!!

Next week: Part three.  Benefits for couples

Part One:Letting go of being Right

If I am to ask you if you would rather be right or wrong………what would you say? 

I’m thinking most of you would probably say that you would rather be right. No one really wants to be wrong, but we can usually let it go if we’re not. Though there are some people that can’t let go of it, and In fact, some people feel they have to be right all the time and will do whatever they need to prove it!

I want to start with a brief look at WHY someone may feel the need to always be right, so you can have a better understanding of it. In my next post I will discuss letting go of being right for the benefit of yourself and your relationship(s).

The person who feels the need to always be right is someone who most likely is not feeling good about themselves, may have low self-confidence and low self-esteem. If they are wrong it makes them feel bad about themselves, inferior, or even flawed. If incorrect, they may feel at the bottom and being right makes them feel that they are in some ways superior to others. Being right makes them feel important.

For this person, they most likely have a difficult time holding a conversation. If you are fixated only on your opinion and being correct, you probably are not hearing the other person and your thinking is probably pretty one dimensional. It can also be compared to a bully in the sense that sometimes proving you are right can be a way of criticizing or putting others down, you feel like you won by being right and this in turn empowers you.

My thought:
It is important to understand yourself and your flaws (we all have them) so you can improve your life and your relationships with others. Letting this go is going to be some work, but is not impossible. However, the work STARTS with YOU first, learning how to make yourself feel good without having to be correct, prove something or put others down.

This is not to say that you can never be correct about things, it is simply just explaining why some people feel the need to ALWAYS be right and how it can be damaging to themselves and their relationships.

A Look at You.....

Last post was a challenge to pick one thing about yourself your partner has requested you to change and secretly work on changing it…..which brings me to this week’s post.  Often in our relationships when a conflict arises we tend to see and focus on what the other person did “wrong” and seldom look at ourselves and what our role is in the issue we may be facing.  

It’s difficult to look at your own flaws and admit that you may need to work on some of your own “stuff”, but it is not impossible to change this about yourself.  

How do you do this?

·        Be honest with yourself - The first step in changing something about you is noticing it and admitting to yourself that there is something about you that needs to change and that you WANT to change it to improve yourself and your life. 

·       Listening to your partner.  This can be very insightful, as your partner may be pointing something out to you that you may not even realize you are doing.

·        Know that you are not perfect, all knowing, or right all the time and that THIS IS OKAY!  If you feel like you always need to be right or strive for perfection, then you should try to understand where this is coming from for you. If you cannot find out on your own then seek therapy to work it out. 

·        Ask yourself, ‘Is it helpful to be this way?’ 

·        Put yourself in the other persons shoes…..how would you feel?

·        Take little steps towards your change. 

For example: If you want to lose weight, you may say “I need to exercise more”.  This is a pretty general statement and you are not really setting any kind of parameters for how you will work on losing the weight.  Say it in a way that has more detail and structure to help keep you on track and insure that you will follow through, such as, “I will exercise for 30 minutes 5 times a day”.   An example for in your relationship would be: If your partner is telling you that you are not caring enough and you want to be more caring, make a mental note of this and structure it for yourself in small steps towards your change, such as saying, “I will do one caring thing for my partner once a week and keep a journal of my progress”.

What are the benefits of being honest with yourself?

·        Less pressure of always needing to be right and trying to prove why you are right.

·        Improved communication.

·        Improved relationship.

·        Improved self-esteem.

·        Increased in empathy for others.

·        Easier to deal with conflict and issues.

My Thought:

You can only change yourself and when you do the things around you will change too!

A New Year, Time for Change...

A New Year….. a time where most of us make a New Year resolution with the hope of starting off fresh. This is a time most people look at themselves and think of things they would like to change.

This blog post is a challenge I would like for you to take. What is something you feel that you can change about yourself that may improve your relationship? Is there something you do in particular that your partner has brought to your attention that may offend, annoy or start conflict with them? Take your time and be honest with yourself and think of one thing about you, that if you change you feel may make a difference in your relationship and put it to the test. Stay focused and aware and put the effort into making that change in yourself without letting your partner know. Do this for at least a month and see if it has an effect on your relationship, and if your partner notices.

Consider keeping a journal, jotting down the challenges you faced when trying to make this change.  Ask and answer questions such as; What did you do to stay consistent? What worked for you and what might not have? How did you stay consistent even if you were feeling angry? What differences did you notice in your partner? How did you feel about yourself? This is a great reference for the future as well. 

This exercise is very effective if you follow through and stay committed to it. You will benefit in many ways, especially by noticing you are capable of change and it is wonderful to see how it really can affect your relationship and your life.

My Thought:
For me personally, I do not make a New Year resolution because I believe that it does not have to be a new year to start something new. We should always be conscious of the changes we should and need to make to improve our lives and go for it no matter what time of year it is!

UPCOMING POSTS: 

· YOUR part in the relationship…A look at YOU

· Throwing away right and wrong

· How we end up with the spouse or partner we have

· More effective communication tips

· Intimacy and Romance

· Infidelity