Changing you for the better of your relationship

I find that when a couple is arguing, or having a disagreement, most of the time it ends up about who is right and what one thinks the other should change.  The problem with focusing on being right, is it doesn’t always allow you to see what your fault is in the issue.  And the problem with wanting to change your partner is that you do not have the power or control to do that….and who’s to say that it’s your partner that only needs to change and not you? 

Therefore, it is very important for you and your relationship to own up to your own faults and flaws.  And so, a way of changing your relationship is also changing you! 

 

TRY THIS

Next time you are having an argument or feeling like your relationship is not where you want it to be, try to ask yourself some of these questions;

 

·       What was my role in that argument? 

·       What could I have done differently? 

·       What do I need to be more conscious of?

·       What are the things I need to be working on about myself?

·       Where do I want my relationship to be and how can I make some change to get it to that place?

Talk to your partner about what you both need to work on, not only as a couple, but as individuals.  It’s about listening to one another and being more conscious of your own actions.  Once you start to be more conscious of these things and work on your own “stuff,” when your partner notices these changes not only will they feel heard, but their attitude will be different now too.  Hence a change in the relationship!  So make sure you are putting your time and energy into changing something about you and not your partner. 

My Thought

Remember: You cannot change anyone but yourself and when you change you, the things around you will change too!

Just Checking In

For my post today, I’m checking in with you!!  I want to make sure you are working on keeping your connection with your partner strong.  It is common for couples to make some change and then revert back to old habits, thus the importance of maintaining your relationship!  I always say it’s like your car, you maintain your car by cleaning it, changing the oil, putting in gas…..you care for it.  If you don’t do these things for your car it won’t run right and/or may even stop running.    It’s the same for your relationship!  You both need to maintain it to keep it running right! 

Things you can do to maintain your relationship;
Try what I am doing now (checking in) with your partner, in a slightly different way.  Checking in is as simple as saying to each other, “do you feel cared about by me” or “do you feel loved by me” or “how do you feel about things lately.”  Checking in is a good way to bring up issues, bring up good things happening, keeps communication open, keeps you both on the same page, and keeps you connected.    

Another good way of keeping your connection strong is by engaging in activities together.  Here are some suggested activities that you can pick from.  Try to do one of these activities a week!

-        Go for an evening walk

-        Lay out a blanket in the yard and look at the stars together

-        Play some music and share a dance

-        Go to the beach and swim in the ocean

-        Plan a picnic or go to a concert

-        Play a game of cards or a board game

-        Go for a hike or bike ride

-        Take a trip to the zoo or your local farm

-        Play a game of mini golf.

Remember you do not need to go out and spend money to connect with one another.  Engaging in simple activities around the house, like cooking dinner together, will keep you connected.  Be creative and have fun!  After a week, check in with one another and see how you feel.

Part 5 Drifting Apart......... Intimacy

Through my work in my private practice I see how men and women differ in many ways. You may have read about the differences or noticed them on your own. The most common ones that seem to be spoken about the most are; differences in communication and intimacy. Women tend to be more expressive and detailed and men seem to be more focused on fixing (skip all the details, tell me the problem and I’ll fix it). Women like romance and men tend to be focused on the physical intimacy itself.

Something I’ve learned is that……….

Women need to feel close and loved in order to be physically intimate and men feel close and loved when they are physically intimate.

My Thought

I would say for men, try to be more romantic, leave a love note or poem some place, give compliments, tell her what you appreciate about her, plan a date, or do something around the house that your partner usually does like clean the bathroom, cook dinner, or get the kids ready for bed. You want to do some thoughtful/caring things that you may not normally do.  It’s more desirable for a woman to be physically intimate if she feels appreciated, loved and close to you.

So women it’s the same for you because let’s face it, men want to feel appreciated, loved and close to you too…… but in a different way. You wouldn’t get him flowers would you?  Instead, plan an evening for your partner where you get dressed up in a sexy outfit, make your partners favorite meal, give a sensual massage, or go out dancing so you can be close…....shoot for anything sexy! You can also try to make an effort to engage in an activity that he likes such as watching a sporting event, or go to a car show.

This concludes my series of Drifting Apart!!

Part 4 Drifting Apart.......... COMPROMISE

Compromise is an important element in a relationship.  It’s not easy for many to come to a compromise, but without it you will not get very far.  Therefore, I would like you to consider the following. 

A compromise is basically the two of you discussing a problem, each of your ideas about the problem, and then coming to a solution that is going to work for the both of you.  This means you may not walk away with 100% of what you want or it being completely your way….and that’s okay.  Compromise does not mean that you have surrendered or that you have to agree with your partner. Whether you agree with your partner or not, you should consider their point of view and at least try to understand where they are coming from and why they are feeling the way they are. 

An effective way to compromise is to speak to each other in a calm manner, soften your tone as discussed in part 2B.  Listen to what your partner has to say with an open heart and keep an open mind.  Look to see if you have anything in common in your views….and remember without compromise you will not be able to solve your marital problems, so this is important to know. 

Here is an exercise from Dr. John Gottman’s book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” that he uses to help couples come to a compromise.  Decide on what problem the two of you want to solve, sit separately and do the following:

“On a piece of paper, draw two circles - a smaller one inside a larger one.  In the inner circle make a list of the aspects of the problem you can’t give in on.  In the outer circle list all of the aspects of the problem you can compromise on.”

The purpose of Dr. Gottman’s circle exercise is to teach couples how to solve issues in a more systematic way.  He suggests you think of the following questions when you share your circles with one another.

·       What do we agree about?

·       What are our common feelings or the most important feelings here?

·       What common goals can we have here?

·       How can we understand this situation, this issue?

·       How do we think these goals should be accomplished?

My Thought
If you can understand and respect each other, then you will be able to compromise and you will have a healthy - successful marriage!

Part 3 Drifting apart....Finding more time together

In my practice I have noticed how challenging it is for couples to find time together.  I can understand that it is difficult to make time, but I also feel that you have to make the time for your relationship and there are ways you can.  Think of it this way, you make time for your work, to go on Facebook, to get nails done, or to play golf, etc.  Are these things more important than your relationship?  I’m guessing no.  If you can find the time to spend hours on the internet, to meet with friends for lunch, go to the gym, then you probably can make time for your partner, you just need to manage your time differently. Making time and spending time together are part of keeping the two of you connected and your relationship strong and lasting.   

Dr. John Gottman is one of the world’s most well-known couple’s therapists.  He has written many books and has what he calls a “love lab” in Seattle, where he studies couples.  Dr. John Gottman studied a group of couples whose marriages stayed successful over time and found they did so well due to the simple 5 extra hours a week they were spending together.  He then decided to call these extra hours “The Magic 5 Hours,” from his book, “The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work.”  I have attached this for you to see and use;

THE MAGIC 5 HOURS A WEEK

Partings. Make sure that before you say good-bye in the morning you’ve learned about one thing that is happening in your partner’s life that day—from lunch with the boss to a doctor’s appointment to a scheduled phone call with an old friend.
Time: 2 minutes a day x 5 working days
Total: 10 minutes

Reunions. Be sure to engage in a stress-reducing conversation at the end of each workday.
Time: 20 minutes a day x 5 working days
Total: 1 hour 40 minutes

Admiration and appreciation. Find some way every day to communicate genuine affection and appreciation toward your partner.

Time: 5 minutes a day x 7 days

Total: 35 minutes

Affection. Kiss, hold, grab, and touch each other during the time you are together. Make sure to kiss before going to sleep. Think of that kiss as a way to let go of any minor irritations that have built up over the day.  In other words, lace your kiss with forgiveness and tenderness for your partner.
Time: 5 minutes a day x 7 days
Total: 35 minutes

Weekly date. This can be a relaxing, low-pressure way to stay connected. Ask each other questions that let you update your love maps (love map are questions Dr. John Gottman has in his book for couples to ask each other…see the book) and turn toward each other. Think of questions to ask your partner like “Are you still thinking about redecorating the bedroom?” “Where should we take our next vacation” or “How are you feeling about your boss these days?”
Time: 2 hours once a week
Total: 2 hours

Grand Total: Five hours!

My Thought:

Take a step back and think about what you can do to alter your schedule a little if you are feeling overwhelmed.  Ask yourself what you can cut back on and what you can take out of your schedule.  SHUT OFF phone and electronics at a certain time each night……Make a definite date night, use “The Magic 5 Hours” and follow through weekly! 

Part 2B: Drifting Apart……..How to communicate your message without conflict

As discussed in my last post, it's common for couples to hold in what they really want to say in hopes to avoid conflict.  What I, both personally and professionally, stand by is that you can say whatever you want to say….it’s HOW you say it.

In previous posts I discussed how to speak to your partner by using an “I” statement.  In addition to using this method of communication, it is firstly important how you deliver your message. 

Start by setting the stage

·       First make sure it is a good time for both of you to talk.

·       Make it clear that you want to ‘just talk’ about something, and that your partner will have an opportunity to talk as well. 

How to soften your message

·       Keep a gentle tone and moderate volume.

·       Keep the focus on your feelings, this is when an “I” statement comes in handy.

·       Start off with a positive, i.e., “I appreciate that you…..” or “you’re wonderful at….”

Couples who can admit to their own faults and role in the issue tend to have stronger relationships and can solve problems quicker and easier, i.e., “I know that sometimes I can be difficult in this situation, and I appreciate that you.…”

Two very important things you definitely DO NOT want to do

·       Do not use words like, “you always” or “you never”

·       Do not use insulting words toward one another.

My Thought:

Remember that when you start off with a positive, the other person most likely is NOT going to be defensive. You are complimenting them, therefore you have their attention! Now your partner is not only likely to listen to what you have to say, but will really hear your message.

Part 2A: Drifting Apart……Importance of open communication

Communication is an extremely important part of your relationship for many reasons, one main reason is to keep you connected.  Let’s look at the domino effect of NOT communicating.  If there is no communication then you are not sharing your thoughts or feelings with one another.  If this is the case, you are probably not on the same page, do not have a good understanding of one another and are not up to date with each other.  In turn, it makes it difficult to meet each other’s needs and wants, to be supportive and solve issues.  At this point you’re probably not spending much time together because of feelings of bitterness and/or resentfulness……..Ultimately the connection is lost.   

Why It’s Important to Communicate and Keep Communication Open
Some people tend to make assumptions about what the other person is thinking or how they are feeling.  This tends to make the situation worse because not only may you be wrong in your assumption, but you are probably stirring up emotions in yourself, making yourself feel anxious or stressed out over an assumption you are making.  If this is happening to you, then you are probably giving off a certain attitude to your partner based on your assumption.  This is one reason it is important to communicate with one another, it lays things out on the table so there are no assumptions.

Now think about this; if you are upset with your partner about something, but you are not communicating it to them, how will they know?  You cannot expect your partner to be a mind reader, nor can you blame your partner for something you are unhappy with if you have not communicated it to them.  If you are doing this, you will leave yourself feeling resentful towards your partner.  Therefore, by communicating with your partner you can avoid feelings of anger and resentment.

Sometimes couples are not communicating because they are afraid to cause a conflict.  Next week in part 2B, I will give you some helpful hints on how to get your message across to your partner without causing a conflict. 

My Thought:

Get to know each other again.  Try making it a point to spend at least 20 minutes a day to talk about what’s been going on in your life and find out what’s been going on in your partners life.