Three techniques to improve communication

Often couples express not feeling heard by their partner.  What I find is most people are not truly listening and instead, while their partner is expressing how they feel, the other person is thinking of what they can say to defend themselves.  Therefore, responding to your partner with a defensive comment is not truly hearing your partner’s message.  Here is a helpful technique that can certainly change how you and your partner communicate and how you hear one another. 

Step One:  Mirroring is simply repeating back to your partner what they said to you.  So when your partner comes to you with a concern, you simply repeat back to them what they are saying.

**It is extremely important that you keep your messages short to one another so the other person can repeat it back**

For Example:

Person Expressing Concern:

“I feel hurt when you come home late and do not call me to let me know.” (Using an I statement)

Person Mirroring:

“So you feel hurt when I come home late and do not call you to let you know” and then ask, “Did I get that right?”

This does not necessarily mean that the person mirroring is in agreeance and they may want to say something in defense of themselves.  However, it is important to stay focused on the person expressing the concerns and repeat it back.  Otherwise, if you interrupt the process, then your partner will not truly feel heard, the conversation goes into other directions and it becomes bigger than it needs to be, anger builds, then you’re off track from the original concern, and ultimately ends in conflict.

The person mirroring should then ask “is there more to that?” and if there is then the person giving the concern will express it and you will again mirror back the message.  Once the message is complete the person receiving it will sum it up by saying, “Let me see if I got this….” and repeat it back to the person expressing the concern.  If you got it, move to step two. 

Step Two: Validate your partner’s concern.  Tell your partner what you can understand about their message.  So the person who received the message may say something like, “I can see what you’re saying…” or “that makes sense”

Step Three: After you have validated your partner’s feelings it is important to Empathize with their feelings (putting your feet in your partners shoes) saying, “I can imagine that you would…”

*Try to keep defenses down, and not take it personally and remember your partner is expressing how they feel so your job as the listener is to hear them, understand, validate and empathize. 

The point of this is to let your partner know you heard them, and to really hear them by not just hearing their voice and words, but understanding why they are feeling the way they do. 

My Thought:                                                                                              

I always say, once you understand something, than you can work on fixing or changing it.   

Anita's Quick Tip: Positive Feedback

Positive Feedback:

Couples can tend to focus on what their partner is NOT doing or what they’re doing wrong in the relationship and overlook the good things their partner has been doing.  Are you more focused on the negatives?  Are you giving more negative feedback than positive?  Be honest, do you find that you are doing this?  Most couples do.  Therefore, it is really important for you to refocus and pay attention to the positive efforts your partner is making, or the considerate things they are doing for you and the relationship and acknowledge that.  You should be thanking each other for anything you can.  You should also often question yourself….. “When was the last time I acknowledged my partner in a positive, loving way?”

You and your partner should make it a habit to give each other an appreciation daily.  It can be about anything, not just something that was done in that day.  I tell couples to try to do this in the evening, as I feel it’s a great way to end the day!

My Thought:

Giving positive feedback to your partner will motivate and encourage positive behaviors to keep happening.  When we bring more positivity into our lives we feel happier and when we are happier issues are a lot easier to deal with!

I APPRECIATE you taking the time to read this!

A New Challenge/Game for You!

Hoping all of you enjoyed my 'Time to Disconnect' post and the two challenges presented to you thus far.  Since today will conclude our weekly challenges, I will leave you with two things to do.  

 

Firstly: 

Dinner time is a great time to chat and catch up.  I tell parents to play 'Hills and Valleys' at dinner, where you go around the table and say what your hills (positives) and valleys (negatives) were for the day.  Parents, if your child should have a valley, help them see how to turn that negative into a positive.  This is a great way to teach your children how to seek out the positives, how to express, share, and a great way to stay in tuned to what is happening in your child's life!

 

Secondly:

For parents, a great way to keep it "old school" and teach your children to play without electronics, is pick one day of each weekend and teach your children a childhood game (inside or out) that you used to play! This is a sure way to keep your children healthy, creative, social, and active.  It will also be a lot of fun for you as parents and as a couple ..... you'll enjoy this too.

 

My Thought:

I think the biggest challenge for most people is staying consistent.  Please try your hardest to keep up with what you are doing, as consistency is good for your relationship, parenting, and for children!

This Weeks Challenge

Hi All,

In my last post I gave an initial challenge/experiment.  I hope you did well!  Wonder if you were surprised at your results or maybe not.  I hope that you will be more conscious of this now that you have taken the first step.  I also hope you viewed and liked the attached You Tube video, I thought it was very well done!

Today I have another challenge for you to do throughout the week and hopefully you will keep it in place moving forward. 

This Weeks Challenge:

This is for couples, parents and children; make it a rule that at night (pick a start time like 5:00, whatever works for you) not to go on any devices.  Then spend time together (as a couple, or as a family) talking, engaging, connecting and playing.  Make this a rule and stick to it, consistently every night. 

Good Luck and I will present another challenge next week!

My Thought:

Time is precious, so make sure you are getting the most out of it!

Time to Disconnect

Last blog post I discussed living in the moment, which is a true practice.  Then I thought how in the moment are people today when most are ruled by technology.  People are always on their phones, checking social media, emails, or texting.  One day I went to the doctors and there were six people in the waiting room with me.  Every single person, except for me, were on their phones!  What ever happened to reading a magazine, a book, or just sitting there in your own thoughts?

Parents tend to complain their children are on the phone too much, but what kind of example are you being?  Most parents today are on their phones much more than their children, talking, texting and on social media.  Parents, don't forget you are your child's role model.  They are watching what you do, absorbing it, and doing the same thing... they learn from you.  Therefore, parents should practice new behaviors firstly for themselves to learn and then for their children to learn. 

I have a few challenges for you in mind, and over the next few weeks I will present one each week.

This Weeks Challenge:

Let's start the challenges off with an interesting experiment.  Take notice by recording on a pad, how often in one day you are watching TV, texting, on your phone, or posting on Facebook or any other social media.  Also record how often your children are on these devices daily.  Count up those hours and compare them to how many hours there are in a day... Do this for the week and see how many hours you have daily and what your weekly hours total is as well.  You may be very surprised to find just how often you are on your devices and away from other things happening in life that do not involve technology.

And, also watch this video on you tube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z7dLU6fk9QY&sns=em

Good Luck and I will have another challenge for you next week.!

Living in the Moment

It's something that most people do NOT do, and if you do.... it is a better way of living life!  So....What does it mean to live in the moment?

Living in the moment means living in the now, the present.  Enjoying what you are doing at that time without worrying about what happened yesterday, earlier that day or what may happen tomorrow.  It means being fully engaged in whatever it is that you are doing at that present moment without letting your thoughts wonder off to other things.

I invite you to take notice if you live in the moment.  I think it is safe to say you are probably NOT....Most people don't.  The good news is that this is not impossible to learn, though it is a practice and will take some time to change, but is so worth it!

I have been practicing this for quite some time now and when I find myself not being in the moment, I quickly snap myself back into the present.  It's a conscious effort so make sure you are aware of yourself and your thoughts.  I find that living in the moment makes me feel like I am getting the most out of life or whatever the activity is I'm doing, I take everything in, I enjoy things in a different way, I've learned to slow it down, I don't take things for granted, I appreciate everything and I feel happier.  Living in the moment also teaches and allows you to break from the things that you may feel worried or stressed out about.  Therefore, you are not constantly worried or stressed and in turn helps you cope better and enjoy life!

Here are just some of the ways I practice to stay in the moment that will help you too:

• The best way to live in the moment is to live like today is your last day!
• When you wake up in the morning, be thankful and appreciative that you are alive!
• Spend time in/with nature.  Listen to the birds chirp, take in the color of the sky, flowers, the grass, the trees, the beauty that nature really does have to offer us.
• Breath in the air, close your eyes and listen to your surroundings.
• When you are spending time with your partner, family or friends, disconnect from electronics and be in that moment with them.
• Donate when you can, volunteer, be a part of an organization that makes you feel good.
• Start to appreciate the things you normally wouldn't, like appreciating your body, limbs, eyes, etc. 
• Take in all that your senses have to offer, seeing, hearing, touch, and smell and appreciate that you are able to do those things.
• Slow your pace.

My Thoughts:

You can't get back yesterday and you can't predict tomorrow so all you can do is live for TODAY!

Do you think of your partner as your best friend?

Think for a moment about how you are with your best friend.  Do you care for them and respect them?  Are you considerate of them, confide in them, and look to go to them when something great or not so great happens in your life?  Usually, this is how a friendship works. 

I find that couples who are "best friends" have a successful & happy relationship.  They have respect for one another, know each other on an intimate level and enjoy one another's company.  They know each other's likes, dislikes, dreams, goals, and quirky parts to their personalities.  They hold one another in a certain regard and express their appreciate, fondness and thankfulness to one another on a daily basis. 

I often hear couples say they feel like they lack friendship in their relationship, and not only do they long for it, but do not know how to create it.  So how do you build a friendship into your relationship? You may want to start with working on your communication....bring it to a different level.  How do you do that? Well here are some helpful ways you and your partner can try and work on.

Ask each other open ended questions.  What I mean by this, is a question that requires more than a yes or no as the response.  Try to go deeper with each other during your conversation.  Don't take "it was good" as an answer.  Be curious; ask each other questions like, "What was so good about it" Or you can even say, "Tell me something exciting that happened today."

Tell stories! We all have tons of stories from when we were kids, teenagers, and young adults.  Share your stories.  These stories help build closeness and understanding of one another.

Treat each other with respect! Speak nicely to each other!  Cut out the negative nasty language and replace it with positive caring language. 

Be helpful to one another; work as a team and not against each other.

Acknowledge one another; let your partner know what you appreciate about them and give thanks.

My Thought:

Remember, some of the things you want to see in your relationship do not just appear, you must work at it..... Create it!