Acknowledge your partner

Here’s My Thought….

If you notice your partner doing something nice, LET THEM KNOW. 

Just this simple little action can have a huge impact on your relationship.  Firstly, it’s nice to give your partner a compliment and credit for the good thing they are doing. This also makes your partner feel noticed and appreciated, and after all, we all like to be appreciated. In turn, when we acknowledge and appreciate things others do, it usually motivates us and them to do more nice/good things and they will hopefully look to compliment you as well! It keeps communication open and brings an element of positivity into the relationship. It will also build on happiness and when we are happy, things are a lot easier to deal with.

It’s the little things that amount out to bigger things!

Part Three: Letting go of being right

For The Benefit of Your Relationship:
Remember back to one of my first posts, using an “I” statement.  This is communication based on your feelings.  You are simply expressing to one another how you are feeling in a non-blaming kind of way.  It does not have to do with being right or wrong.  You and your partner are not the same person so you will have different views, and you may not always agree with one another but you should hear each other out and work from there.  When you get caught up in who is right and who is wrong, it assures you are NOT hearing what the other person is saying.  If you are not listening then how are you going to know how to resolve the issue?  How is your partner left feeling?  Don’t you want to be heard? And, if the issue does not get resolved it will come up again and again.  

This type of communication avoids one of you or both of you becoming defensive.  Try to make sure you are communicating on a different level with one another by becoming more aware of your tone, express how you are FEELING, and listen to the other persons feelings - not why you think you are right and they are wrong.  Really try to be conscious to let that go and just give each other the chance to express how you are feeling, hear one another’s view and/or needs.  You will benefit tremendously in your relationship if you can practice this.

My Thought:

Would you rather be right or HAPPY?

Part Two: Letting go of being right

For the Benefit of YOU

If you are going to be concerned about being right all the time you will miss out on opportunities to learn from others and you are keeping your mind closed to a world of information. 

Wouldn’t it be nice to walk away from a conversation feeling like, “wow that was interesting, I never knew that, and I feel okay that I didn’t know that.”  Feeling like you gained new knowledge of something, instead of your usual walking away angry or upset or arguing your point of why you are right……that sounds like a lot of work and aggravation to me. 

If you can work on letting this go, you will benefit in ways such as;

Ø  You are allowing yourself to be more open minded, gaining new ideas and information. 

Ø  You will become a better listener.

Ø  Your self-confidence and self-esteem will improve.

Ø  You won’t worry about what others think so much.

Ø  Your relationship with your partner and relationships with others will improve.

Ø  You will be HAPPIER!!!

My Thought

We do some of our best learning from our mistakes!!!

Next week: Part three.  Benefits for couples

Part One:Letting go of being Right

If I am to ask you if you would rather be right or wrong………what would you say? 

I’m thinking most of you would probably say that you would rather be right. No one really wants to be wrong, but we can usually let it go if we’re not. Though there are some people that can’t let go of it, and In fact, some people feel they have to be right all the time and will do whatever they need to prove it!

I want to start with a brief look at WHY someone may feel the need to always be right, so you can have a better understanding of it. In my next post I will discuss letting go of being right for the benefit of yourself and your relationship(s).

The person who feels the need to always be right is someone who most likely is not feeling good about themselves, may have low self-confidence and low self-esteem. If they are wrong it makes them feel bad about themselves, inferior, or even flawed. If incorrect, they may feel at the bottom and being right makes them feel that they are in some ways superior to others. Being right makes them feel important.

For this person, they most likely have a difficult time holding a conversation. If you are fixated only on your opinion and being correct, you probably are not hearing the other person and your thinking is probably pretty one dimensional. It can also be compared to a bully in the sense that sometimes proving you are right can be a way of criticizing or putting others down, you feel like you won by being right and this in turn empowers you.

My thought:
It is important to understand yourself and your flaws (we all have them) so you can improve your life and your relationships with others. Letting this go is going to be some work, but is not impossible. However, the work STARTS with YOU first, learning how to make yourself feel good without having to be correct, prove something or put others down.

This is not to say that you can never be correct about things, it is simply just explaining why some people feel the need to ALWAYS be right and how it can be damaging to themselves and their relationships.

A Look at You.....

Last post was a challenge to pick one thing about yourself your partner has requested you to change and secretly work on changing it…..which brings me to this week’s post.  Often in our relationships when a conflict arises we tend to see and focus on what the other person did “wrong” and seldom look at ourselves and what our role is in the issue we may be facing.  

It’s difficult to look at your own flaws and admit that you may need to work on some of your own “stuff”, but it is not impossible to change this about yourself.  

How do you do this?

·        Be honest with yourself - The first step in changing something about you is noticing it and admitting to yourself that there is something about you that needs to change and that you WANT to change it to improve yourself and your life. 

·       Listening to your partner.  This can be very insightful, as your partner may be pointing something out to you that you may not even realize you are doing.

·        Know that you are not perfect, all knowing, or right all the time and that THIS IS OKAY!  If you feel like you always need to be right or strive for perfection, then you should try to understand where this is coming from for you. If you cannot find out on your own then seek therapy to work it out. 

·        Ask yourself, ‘Is it helpful to be this way?’ 

·        Put yourself in the other persons shoes…..how would you feel?

·        Take little steps towards your change. 

For example: If you want to lose weight, you may say “I need to exercise more”.  This is a pretty general statement and you are not really setting any kind of parameters for how you will work on losing the weight.  Say it in a way that has more detail and structure to help keep you on track and insure that you will follow through, such as, “I will exercise for 30 minutes 5 times a day”.   An example for in your relationship would be: If your partner is telling you that you are not caring enough and you want to be more caring, make a mental note of this and structure it for yourself in small steps towards your change, such as saying, “I will do one caring thing for my partner once a week and keep a journal of my progress”.

What are the benefits of being honest with yourself?

·        Less pressure of always needing to be right and trying to prove why you are right.

·        Improved communication.

·        Improved relationship.

·        Improved self-esteem.

·        Increased in empathy for others.

·        Easier to deal with conflict and issues.

My Thought:

You can only change yourself and when you do the things around you will change too!

A New Year, Time for Change...

A New Year….. a time where most of us make a New Year resolution with the hope of starting off fresh. This is a time most people look at themselves and think of things they would like to change.

This blog post is a challenge I would like for you to take. What is something you feel that you can change about yourself that may improve your relationship? Is there something you do in particular that your partner has brought to your attention that may offend, annoy or start conflict with them? Take your time and be honest with yourself and think of one thing about you, that if you change you feel may make a difference in your relationship and put it to the test. Stay focused and aware and put the effort into making that change in yourself without letting your partner know. Do this for at least a month and see if it has an effect on your relationship, and if your partner notices.

Consider keeping a journal, jotting down the challenges you faced when trying to make this change.  Ask and answer questions such as; What did you do to stay consistent? What worked for you and what might not have? How did you stay consistent even if you were feeling angry? What differences did you notice in your partner? How did you feel about yourself? This is a great reference for the future as well. 

This exercise is very effective if you follow through and stay committed to it. You will benefit in many ways, especially by noticing you are capable of change and it is wonderful to see how it really can affect your relationship and your life.

My Thought:
For me personally, I do not make a New Year resolution because I believe that it does not have to be a new year to start something new. We should always be conscious of the changes we should and need to make to improve our lives and go for it no matter what time of year it is!

UPCOMING POSTS: 

· YOUR part in the relationship…A look at YOU

· Throwing away right and wrong

· How we end up with the spouse or partner we have

· More effective communication tips

· Intimacy and Romance

· Infidelity

A HOLIDAY MESSAGE

December 20, 2011

A Holiday Message

This holiday season venture out and try something different. Maybe create a new tradition with your spouse and/or family, remember a loved one in a new special way, try to keep an open mind and open heart, show interest in others by asking how things are in their world, spend some time with a family member you normally don’t, try to define what the holiday truly means to you, go around the room and ask others what the holiday means to them, have your children participate in some type of holiday charity work - this is a great way to teach them how to give and that the holiday is not all about getting! Do something out of the ordinary for your spouse that doesn’t cost money like a holiday poem, make a photo collage, photo book, or a massage……it’s those gifts from the heart that are truly priceless and warming. Most of all, try to stay focused on all the wonderful people and things that you have in your life. Sometimes we can get caught up in material things, especially around this time of year, but this is not what is important and ultimately doesn’t build happiness. I think sometimes we forget what we have or may even just take it for granted. A great habit to pick up on is to try and stop focusing on what you don’t have and start to look at what you actually do have and learn to be thankful and appreciate it. This is a great way to keep yourself focused on the positives, will keep you in a positive frame of mind, which in turn will increase your happiness. This is also a wonderful lesson to teach your children as well.

After all…Life alone is a beautiful gift!

Have a Peaceful Holiday Season and a Healthy, Happy New Year!