Living in the Moment

It's something that most people do NOT do, and if you do.... it is a better way of living life!  So....What does it mean to live in the moment?

Living in the moment means living in the now, the present.  Enjoying what you are doing at that time without worrying about what happened yesterday, earlier that day or what may happen tomorrow.  It means being fully engaged in whatever it is that you are doing at that present moment without letting your thoughts wonder off to other things.

I invite you to take notice if you live in the moment.  I think it is safe to say you are probably NOT....Most people don't.  The good news is that this is not impossible to learn, though it is a practice and will take some time to change, but is so worth it!

I have been practicing this for quite some time now and when I find myself not being in the moment, I quickly snap myself back into the present.  It's a conscious effort so make sure you are aware of yourself and your thoughts.  I find that living in the moment makes me feel like I am getting the most out of life or whatever the activity is I'm doing, I take everything in, I enjoy things in a different way, I've learned to slow it down, I don't take things for granted, I appreciate everything and I feel happier.  Living in the moment also teaches and allows you to break from the things that you may feel worried or stressed out about.  Therefore, you are not constantly worried or stressed and in turn helps you cope better and enjoy life!

Here are just some of the ways I practice to stay in the moment that will help you too:

• The best way to live in the moment is to live like today is your last day!
• When you wake up in the morning, be thankful and appreciative that you are alive!
• Spend time in/with nature.  Listen to the birds chirp, take in the color of the sky, flowers, the grass, the trees, the beauty that nature really does have to offer us.
• Breath in the air, close your eyes and listen to your surroundings.
• When you are spending time with your partner, family or friends, disconnect from electronics and be in that moment with them.
• Donate when you can, volunteer, be a part of an organization that makes you feel good.
• Start to appreciate the things you normally wouldn't, like appreciating your body, limbs, eyes, etc. 
• Take in all that your senses have to offer, seeing, hearing, touch, and smell and appreciate that you are able to do those things.
• Slow your pace.

My Thoughts:

You can't get back yesterday and you can't predict tomorrow so all you can do is live for TODAY!

Do you think of your partner as your best friend?

Think for a moment about how you are with your best friend.  Do you care for them and respect them?  Are you considerate of them, confide in them, and look to go to them when something great or not so great happens in your life?  Usually, this is how a friendship works. 

I find that couples who are "best friends" have a successful & happy relationship.  They have respect for one another, know each other on an intimate level and enjoy one another's company.  They know each other's likes, dislikes, dreams, goals, and quirky parts to their personalities.  They hold one another in a certain regard and express their appreciate, fondness and thankfulness to one another on a daily basis. 

I often hear couples say they feel like they lack friendship in their relationship, and not only do they long for it, but do not know how to create it.  So how do you build a friendship into your relationship? You may want to start with working on your communication....bring it to a different level.  How do you do that? Well here are some helpful ways you and your partner can try and work on.

Ask each other open ended questions.  What I mean by this, is a question that requires more than a yes or no as the response.  Try to go deeper with each other during your conversation.  Don't take "it was good" as an answer.  Be curious; ask each other questions like, "What was so good about it" Or you can even say, "Tell me something exciting that happened today."

Tell stories! We all have tons of stories from when we were kids, teenagers, and young adults.  Share your stories.  These stories help build closeness and understanding of one another.

Treat each other with respect! Speak nicely to each other!  Cut out the negative nasty language and replace it with positive caring language. 

Be helpful to one another; work as a team and not against each other.

Acknowledge one another; let your partner know what you appreciate about them and give thanks.

My Thought:

Remember, some of the things you want to see in your relationship do not just appear, you must work at it..... Create it!

Happy Valentine’s Day

As you all know Valentine’s Day is right around the corner.  I do feel that Valentine’s Day is too commercialized and as I’ve always felt, you should show this type of love all year round.  But since Valentine’s Day is in existence, might as well celebrate! 

I always say try to do something from the heart.  What I mean is its very nice if you want to buy your loved one something, but I always feel you don’t need to purchase something to express how you are feeling.  So if you want to buy something, in addition, give something that is made by you. For examples, something like a poem, handmade card, draw a bubble bath and light some candles, if you usually do not cook then cook a special dinner, make a special scrap book, put songs that remind you of your relationship on your partners iPod without them knowing, play it on Valentine's Day and share a dance, or write your favorite memories of/with your partner and read it to them.  This is a nice touch and so very special because you can’t buy that anywhere….it’s one of a kind.

My challenge to you is:

What special gift will you make this Valentine’s Day to show your love to your partner?

My Thought:

Have fun and consider at least once a month doing something special for your partner that was made by you!

A Great Way to End The Year!

Though I do not make a New Year resolution because I believe any time is a good time to start something different and new, I do however like to reflect back on my year.  I like to think of things such as; what I accomplished, what kind of person I was, how I handled certain situations, adventures or risks I have taken and activities and donations I was involved with. Then I like to think about what I didn’t get to do and would still like to do, what I still want to work on about myself and what new adventures I’d like to take.  Then I like to reflect back on my relationship and how things have been through the year, what was good, what needs to be worked on and setting new goals.

 

I invite you and your partner to try this.  Reflect back on individual things first, just things about yourself that you liked and feel may still need to be worked on, etc.  Then both of you take a look back on the year in terms of your relationship and talk about it together.  Here are some good things to discuss;

-        What were some things you enjoyed doing together?

-        What was your most memorable time together of 2013?

-        What kind of partner do you think you were?

-        What are some new adventures you would like to embark on with your partner in 2014?

-        What improvements do you think you can make to better your relationship?

-        Make a new commitment {or more} to one another!

 

Another fun activity to do is create a memory jar or box.  The New Year is a perfect time to start! What you do is get a large mason jar or decorative box and each week (or you can do it more frequent) write on a little piece of paper a special memory from that day or week and leave it in the jar (don’t forget to write the date on it).  Do not read them until the end of the year.  On New Year’s Eve or Day you and your partner can read all the memories together, which will be a lot of fun and great way to reflect back.  You then can put all your pieces of paper in a scrap book in date order.  This is a great way to keep memories without having to journal everyday if that’s not your thing.  And of course you start filling the jar/box  again in the beginning of the New Year!!!!

Hope you enjoy these little special activities and hope you follow through as it is a great way to stay connected and spend time.

MY THOUGHT:
Have a Happy and Healthy New Year!!!!!

Tips to Improve Your Communication

As a couple’s therapist, I find that communication is one of the biggest issues between partners.  I notice that partners interrupt one another, THINK they know what their partner is talking about…but they really don’t, become defensive and unfortunately at times are speaking nasty to one another. 

Here are some helpful tips to improve your communication:

-Don’t interrupt.  I feel that when someone interrupts, they are definitely NOT hearing what the other person has to say.  When a person interrupts another, it leaves the interrupted person feeling like what they have to say is unimportant.  And ultimately, the interrupted person shuts down, gives up and says “what’s the point.”  Each partner should have a chance to express how they are feeling without being interrupted. 

-Make sure you understand what your partner is saying. I see this so often in sessions, where one partner tells the other how they are feeling and the other person just continues on about their own “stuff” and doesn’t even take a second to say, “What do you mean by that” or “Why do you feel that way.”  Make sure you understand what your partner means.  I always say if you don’t understand something, how do you fix it??

-Don’t yell. AHHHH screaming at one another….that just does NOT work.  When one person gets loud so does the other and before you know it you’re both in a screaming match….No one is listening and hearts are racing.  How in the world is this helpful….it’s not.  Talk to one another.  If you feel like voices are starting to get louder, or heart rates are increasing, take a break for at least 20 minutes.  This gives you time to calm down and collect your thoughts. Once calm and your heart rate is back to normal, you may continue your talk. 

-Don’t curse or say mean things to one another.  I feel that you can say what you need to say without cursing or insulting the other person.  What good does it do if you are calling your partner a nasty word? Does it fix the issue…NO.  All it does is exasperate the situation.  This is something as an individual you must work on, controlling your anger and what comes out of your mouth.  

MY THOUGHT:

Does this sound familiar to you? If so, think of what YOU can do on your own to improve your communication.

 

Love All Year Long

Let me start by saying I hope you all had a wonderful and loving Valentine’s Day!  After all, it’s that one time of year that you’re supposed to tell your partner just how much you love them.  But why wait for Valentine’s Day to show your partner just how much you care?  Why wait for this day to take the time to find a special gift or write out your feelings in a card… to go out of your way to show your partner just how much you love them?

 

Love is something that should be celebrated

every day and any time of the year!

You should always take the time for one another!  Take any ordinary day during any month, like a Wednesday night in March to play some music after dinner and share a dance or a Monday in April to plan a surprise candlelight dinner.  In May on a Thursday morning leave a love note for your partner before you leave for work.  Pick a random Friday in June and leave a CD on your partner’s seat in their car filled with their favorite music or download a song on their iPod without them knowing….that will be a wonderful surprise for them to discover.

My Thought

These little caring actions any time of the year, will lead to tremendous growth and happiness in your relationship!! 

 

 

Taking a Trip Down Memory Lane

Today I wanted to share a little tip to help strengthen your marriage.  It is shown that successful couples tend to “take trips down memory lane.”  These couples spend more time focusing on the good times then the bad.  Darren Wilk, a trained John Gottman Therapist, states “By reliving memories out loud to your partner, it actually changes your mindset, and how you view him/her and think about your relationship.”   

When you think of past happy and fun times doesn’t it put a smile on your face?  Doesn’t it remind you of why you’re with each other, how you can have a great time together and why you love one another?  I also think talking about these past memories builds conversation, laughter, and may remind you of something you’ve done that you haven’t in a while and maybe you’ll try it again.    

Here are two great ideas to try:

v  Make a commitment to have a monthly scrapbooking date...let's call it the "memory date."  This date will specifically focus on sitting together and going through pictures, talk about past times (dates, trips, weekends together, adventures) and work on your scrapbook.  This is great to always have to look back on and share with family, friends and children.  The best part of the memory date are all the benefits aside from making a great scrapbook; it is guaranteed time together, fun time together, a great activity, something to look forward to each month, keeps you in check of your relationship, and is just another way to make time for each other and give your relationship attention.
 

v  When and if you feel that your relationship needs a boost, this is a good time to talk about first dates, past fun times, adventures or trips.  And if you already have scrapbooks or photo albums complete, bring them out and look through them together.  

My Thought
Your relationship always needs attention so make sure you are giving it the attention it needs!  And remember when times feel tough, take that trip down memory lane……laugh and love each other and always strive to spend time together in different ways, making fun and happy memories that you will always have to look back on.