Part One:Letting go of being Right

If I am to ask you if you would rather be right or wrong………what would you say? 

I’m thinking most of you would probably say that you would rather be right. No one really wants to be wrong, but we can usually let it go if we’re not. Though there are some people that can’t let go of it, and In fact, some people feel they have to be right all the time and will do whatever they need to prove it!

I want to start with a brief look at WHY someone may feel the need to always be right, so you can have a better understanding of it. In my next post I will discuss letting go of being right for the benefit of yourself and your relationship(s).

The person who feels the need to always be right is someone who most likely is not feeling good about themselves, may have low self-confidence and low self-esteem. If they are wrong it makes them feel bad about themselves, inferior, or even flawed. If incorrect, they may feel at the bottom and being right makes them feel that they are in some ways superior to others. Being right makes them feel important.

For this person, they most likely have a difficult time holding a conversation. If you are fixated only on your opinion and being correct, you probably are not hearing the other person and your thinking is probably pretty one dimensional. It can also be compared to a bully in the sense that sometimes proving you are right can be a way of criticizing or putting others down, you feel like you won by being right and this in turn empowers you.

My thought:
It is important to understand yourself and your flaws (we all have them) so you can improve your life and your relationships with others. Letting this go is going to be some work, but is not impossible. However, the work STARTS with YOU first, learning how to make yourself feel good without having to be correct, prove something or put others down.

This is not to say that you can never be correct about things, it is simply just explaining why some people feel the need to ALWAYS be right and how it can be damaging to themselves and their relationships.

A Look at You.....

Last post was a challenge to pick one thing about yourself your partner has requested you to change and secretly work on changing it…..which brings me to this week’s post.  Often in our relationships when a conflict arises we tend to see and focus on what the other person did “wrong” and seldom look at ourselves and what our role is in the issue we may be facing.  

It’s difficult to look at your own flaws and admit that you may need to work on some of your own “stuff”, but it is not impossible to change this about yourself.  

How do you do this?

·        Be honest with yourself - The first step in changing something about you is noticing it and admitting to yourself that there is something about you that needs to change and that you WANT to change it to improve yourself and your life. 

·       Listening to your partner.  This can be very insightful, as your partner may be pointing something out to you that you may not even realize you are doing.

·        Know that you are not perfect, all knowing, or right all the time and that THIS IS OKAY!  If you feel like you always need to be right or strive for perfection, then you should try to understand where this is coming from for you. If you cannot find out on your own then seek therapy to work it out. 

·        Ask yourself, ‘Is it helpful to be this way?’ 

·        Put yourself in the other persons shoes…..how would you feel?

·        Take little steps towards your change. 

For example: If you want to lose weight, you may say “I need to exercise more”.  This is a pretty general statement and you are not really setting any kind of parameters for how you will work on losing the weight.  Say it in a way that has more detail and structure to help keep you on track and insure that you will follow through, such as, “I will exercise for 30 minutes 5 times a day”.   An example for in your relationship would be: If your partner is telling you that you are not caring enough and you want to be more caring, make a mental note of this and structure it for yourself in small steps towards your change, such as saying, “I will do one caring thing for my partner once a week and keep a journal of my progress”.

What are the benefits of being honest with yourself?

·        Less pressure of always needing to be right and trying to prove why you are right.

·        Improved communication.

·        Improved relationship.

·        Improved self-esteem.

·        Increased in empathy for others.

·        Easier to deal with conflict and issues.

My Thought:

You can only change yourself and when you do the things around you will change too!

A New Year, Time for Change...

A New Year….. a time where most of us make a New Year resolution with the hope of starting off fresh. This is a time most people look at themselves and think of things they would like to change.

This blog post is a challenge I would like for you to take. What is something you feel that you can change about yourself that may improve your relationship? Is there something you do in particular that your partner has brought to your attention that may offend, annoy or start conflict with them? Take your time and be honest with yourself and think of one thing about you, that if you change you feel may make a difference in your relationship and put it to the test. Stay focused and aware and put the effort into making that change in yourself without letting your partner know. Do this for at least a month and see if it has an effect on your relationship, and if your partner notices.

Consider keeping a journal, jotting down the challenges you faced when trying to make this change.  Ask and answer questions such as; What did you do to stay consistent? What worked for you and what might not have? How did you stay consistent even if you were feeling angry? What differences did you notice in your partner? How did you feel about yourself? This is a great reference for the future as well. 

This exercise is very effective if you follow through and stay committed to it. You will benefit in many ways, especially by noticing you are capable of change and it is wonderful to see how it really can affect your relationship and your life.

My Thought:
For me personally, I do not make a New Year resolution because I believe that it does not have to be a new year to start something new. We should always be conscious of the changes we should and need to make to improve our lives and go for it no matter what time of year it is!

UPCOMING POSTS: 

· YOUR part in the relationship…A look at YOU

· Throwing away right and wrong

· How we end up with the spouse or partner we have

· More effective communication tips

· Intimacy and Romance

· Infidelity

A HOLIDAY MESSAGE

December 20, 2011

A Holiday Message

This holiday season venture out and try something different. Maybe create a new tradition with your spouse and/or family, remember a loved one in a new special way, try to keep an open mind and open heart, show interest in others by asking how things are in their world, spend some time with a family member you normally don’t, try to define what the holiday truly means to you, go around the room and ask others what the holiday means to them, have your children participate in some type of holiday charity work - this is a great way to teach them how to give and that the holiday is not all about getting! Do something out of the ordinary for your spouse that doesn’t cost money like a holiday poem, make a photo collage, photo book, or a massage……it’s those gifts from the heart that are truly priceless and warming. Most of all, try to stay focused on all the wonderful people and things that you have in your life. Sometimes we can get caught up in material things, especially around this time of year, but this is not what is important and ultimately doesn’t build happiness. I think sometimes we forget what we have or may even just take it for granted. A great habit to pick up on is to try and stop focusing on what you don’t have and start to look at what you actually do have and learn to be thankful and appreciate it. This is a great way to keep yourself focused on the positives, will keep you in a positive frame of mind, which in turn will increase your happiness. This is also a wonderful lesson to teach your children as well.

After all…Life alone is a beautiful gift!

Have a Peaceful Holiday Season and a Healthy, Happy New Year!

Part 2: Overcoming Holiday Stress – Coping with Holiday Blues

The season is filled with cheer, but unfortunately for many it's also filled with sadness.  The holidays can bring on various emotions (depression being the most common) and not for one specific cause.  There are numerous reasons people suffer from the holiday blues, such as fatigue from all the extra running and financial stress.  Perhaps one of the most difficult causes for sadness during the holiday season is the loss of a loved one.  
 

It’s never easy losing someone from your life and the holidays do not make it any easier.  Learning how to deal with your sadness in a more effective way, and learning how to celebrate your loved one will be extremely helpful.  So how do you do that?  Doing things such as creating a special tradition can help you cope with your loss.  Here are some suggestions to honor your loved one which may offer you support and comfort during these times.

·        A special ornament in their honor

·        Lighting a candle in their memory

·        Donate in the name of your loved one

·        Volunteering your time during the holiday (i.e., shelter or food pantry)

·        A special prayer before dinner

·        Taking some time to look at pictures and reflect back on your time together

·        Plant a tree or garden

·        Write a letter

·        Take some time to go around the room, giving everyone a chance to share a special memory

These types of special traditions can help you not only keep the person alive in your heart, but helps you cope with your loss in a way that is not avoiding, but instead allows you to express your feelings and feel good about your loved ones memory. 

My Thought

While the holiday alone can be exhausting, experiencing grief is emotionally draining.  Therefore, it is important that you take good care of yourself, and if you need to, reach out to a family member or friend for some support.

Join me next week for a Holiday message

Part 1: “OVERCOMING HOLIDAY STRESS”

T

hough it is a wonderful time of the year, it can also become very stressful. In addition to our usual everyday activities, we now have to prepare for the holidays which include extra running here and there, and more things to do. This of course brings on stress making us feel tired, unhappy and difficult to enjoy the season. So what can you do to make holiday preparation easier and more enjoyable? Here are three important ways to keep your stress at a minimum.

Firstly, a good way to get started is to organize yourself. Studies have shown that organization reduces levels of stress. Therefore, try making a list of things such as what you plan on cooking, presents or gift ideas, who you’re inviting, and/or who you want to send cards to. This makes it easier to remember what you need to do and have done already. Keep your list handy so if something else comes to mind you can write it down and get it out of your head.

Secondly, think about how often you aim for perfection during the holidays. How many of you search to find the “perfect” gift or are thinking of the “perfect” dinner to make. You may not think of perfection as stressful, but it is, in fact it creates stress. Nothing is perfect so we do we chase after it?  In a future post I will get into perfection a bit more, but for now just remember that looking for perfection is tiring because you will constantly be searching for it, and ultimately will never find it....because it doesn't exist.  And if this is your focus then you are also probably forgetting what the holidays are really about and probably not enjoying them to the fullest. So remind yourself and instead of getting caught up in things being perfect, strive for happiness and inner peace, it’s much easier to obtain and it’s more realistic.

Lastly, be conscious of your pace. Many times we are doing one thing and thinking of a million other things to do and can become overwhelmed. It’s important to focus on one thing at a time and keep yourself in the moment. Consider this, the more time and energy you spend on stressing and worrying about what still needs to be done, the less you will actually get done. Therefore, when you stay calm and focused, you get much more accomplished.

My Thought:

Make sure you are taking care of yourself. Constantly being on the run is neither helpful nor healthy. Take a break, take time to breath, and make time to sit and eat a healthy fulfilling meal!

Part 5: "Positively Happy"

For this last stop, we will be discussing my favorite topic, which just so happens to be fitting for the Thanksgiving holiday….Gratitude and Appreciation

Definition

Appreciation: Thankful recognition

Gratitude: The quality or feeling of being grateful or thankful

Something to think about:

Do you appreciate yourself and the things that you have? How often do you thank or express your appreciation to your partner, not only when something nice is done, just in general? How often do you show others, family and friends, that you appreciate them and/or the things that they do? 

How does this fit into positivity and happiness?

It is so important for us to show our appreciation to others, especially the loved ones in our lives. But, before you can express your appreciation to others you need to be feeling good about yourself and your own life. It’s difficult to be happy for others if you are not happy with yourself. An effective way to help you move from a negative place to a more happy and positive frame of mind is to note to yourself the things you are grateful for. A wonderful way to help you do this is…………

The Gratitude Exercise:

Get yourself a journal, which will be your “gratitude journal”. At the end of your day, write down three things that went well during the day, ask yourself “why did this good thing happen.” Do this on a daily basis. Studies show that after a week of doing this exercise, participants had an increase in happiness and a decrease in depression.  

For Couples:

Here’s a great way to end the day; every night each of you state one thing you appreciate about the other!  

Now, go back to the top of this post, read those questions again. What do you think?

This will end our series of Positivity and Happiness….but this does not mean it is the last time I will be discussing it!!

My Thought:

This Thanksgiving, go around the dinner table and each of you
share what you are thankful for!

In the meantime, Keep Smiling and Have a Happy Thanksgiving!