Three techniques to improve communication

Often couples express not feeling heard by their partner.  What I find is most people are not truly listening and instead, while their partner is expressing how they feel, the other person is thinking of what they can say to defend themselves.  Therefore, responding to your partner with a defensive comment is not truly hearing your partner’s message.  Here is a helpful technique that can certainly change how you and your partner communicate and how you hear one another. 

Step One:  Mirroring is simply repeating back to your partner what they said to you.  So when your partner comes to you with a concern, you simply repeat back to them what they are saying.

**It is extremely important that you keep your messages short to one another so the other person can repeat it back**

For Example:

Person Expressing Concern:

“I feel hurt when you come home late and do not call me to let me know.” (Using an I statement)

Person Mirroring:

“So you feel hurt when I come home late and do not call you to let you know” and then ask, “Did I get that right?”

This does not necessarily mean that the person mirroring is in agreeance and they may want to say something in defense of themselves.  However, it is important to stay focused on the person expressing the concerns and repeat it back.  Otherwise, if you interrupt the process, then your partner will not truly feel heard, the conversation goes into other directions and it becomes bigger than it needs to be, anger builds, then you’re off track from the original concern, and ultimately ends in conflict.

The person mirroring should then ask “is there more to that?” and if there is then the person giving the concern will express it and you will again mirror back the message.  Once the message is complete the person receiving it will sum it up by saying, “Let me see if I got this….” and repeat it back to the person expressing the concern.  If you got it, move to step two. 

Step Two: Validate your partner’s concern.  Tell your partner what you can understand about their message.  So the person who received the message may say something like, “I can see what you’re saying…” or “that makes sense”

Step Three: After you have validated your partner’s feelings it is important to Empathize with their feelings (putting your feet in your partners shoes) saying, “I can imagine that you would…”

*Try to keep defenses down, and not take it personally and remember your partner is expressing how they feel so your job as the listener is to hear them, understand, validate and empathize. 

The point of this is to let your partner know you heard them, and to really hear them by not just hearing their voice and words, but understanding why they are feeling the way they do. 

My Thought:                                                                                              

I always say, once you understand something, than you can work on fixing or changing it.   

Anita's Quick Tip: Positive Feedback

Positive Feedback:

Couples can tend to focus on what their partner is NOT doing or what they’re doing wrong in the relationship and overlook the good things their partner has been doing.  Are you more focused on the negatives?  Are you giving more negative feedback than positive?  Be honest, do you find that you are doing this?  Most couples do.  Therefore, it is really important for you to refocus and pay attention to the positive efforts your partner is making, or the considerate things they are doing for you and the relationship and acknowledge that.  You should be thanking each other for anything you can.  You should also often question yourself….. “When was the last time I acknowledged my partner in a positive, loving way?”

You and your partner should make it a habit to give each other an appreciation daily.  It can be about anything, not just something that was done in that day.  I tell couples to try to do this in the evening, as I feel it’s a great way to end the day!

My Thought:

Giving positive feedback to your partner will motivate and encourage positive behaviors to keep happening.  When we bring more positivity into our lives we feel happier and when we are happier issues are a lot easier to deal with!

I APPRECIATE you taking the time to read this!